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| Providing for the personal growth and fulfillment of those whose lives are affected by crossdressing |
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November 2010
Newsletter |
January 2011
CONTENTS
An Adventure Triumph - Bobbi (Just click on the title above to go directly to an article.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
By Bobbi “Are you serving lunch?”, Cathy, my wife, asked the bartender as we walked into the dimly lit, deserted bar a few blocks off Bourbon Street in the famous French Quarter of New Orleans. “We sure are!”, came the response. “Would you ladies like to sit at a table or here at the bar?” I was surprised to hear Cathy respond, “The bar will be fine.” We had spent the morning sightseeing in the Quarter, enjoying the street performers (which included solo blues guitarists, human statues, swing dancers, and perhaps one of the best clarinet players I have ever heard) and browsing some of the many shops. When the bartender, a gregarious Conan O'Brian look alike, took our lunch order, Cathy again surprised me when she ordered a crawfish sausage po' boy. “What the heck!” I said, as I thought, “If she's willing to try something new, so am I.” “I'll have the same.” And thus started our adventure. We had come to New Orleans to board the Carnival Triumph, a 900' cruise ship for a 5 day cruise that included stops at Progresso and Cozumel, Mexico. We would be joining a dozen or so friends from the online support group, “A Crossdresser's Secret Garden”, some of whom we met 2 years earlier when we ventured to Eureka Springs, Arkansas and others that we had known only from hours of online conversation and correspondence. It was to be a reunion of sorts, as well as a new adventure for us, one that we had been looking forward to after a long summer of working 45 - 60 hour weeks. On this, our first cruise, Cathy and I were hoping to find relaxing comfort and laughs with old friends, the thrill of exploring unfamiliar territory, and spending a lot of time together. Our small group from “The Garden” was actually a part of a slightly larger group of 63 transgendered folks and partners of transgendered folks traveling on a “Dignity Cruise”, one of several cruises arranged by Mel & Peggy Rudd. Peggy Rudd is the author of several books, including “My Husband Wears My Clothes” and “Crossdressing With Dignity”. While some in our group were veterans of previous Dignity Cruises and others had been going out in public for years, for many it would be their first time out in public. It would take volumes if I were to give a detailed account of our adventure. So, I'm going to try to relay a few vignettes that characterize the flavor of our trip. We were told several weeks ahead of time that there would be only 2 restrictions on our ability to dress during this cruise. First, boarding the ship, both at New Orleans and at both of our ports of call, may be an issue with ship's security unless we had a government issued ID that had the gender marker of the sex that we were presenting when boarding. Second, unless we used one of the two gender neutral restrooms on board, we should refrain from using the public restrooms while we were dressed, instead using the bathroom in our cabins. I had packed a few androgynous t-shirts for boarding and going ashore, and carried on my makeup bag, which in addition to cosmetics contained my breast forms and hairpiece, and I shaved extra close before leaving the hotel. No one through the entire boarding process batted an eye at my purple fingernails, red toenails, and pink flip-flops. Within an hour of boarding and checking into our cabin, I was on deck, en-femme. As the big ship glided down the Mississippi, Cathy and I leaned against the rail, and I snapped some photos of the sunset. A couple of guys were about 10 feet away, one would take a picture of the other with the sunset in the background, then they would trade places and repeat the process. I asked if they would like me to take a picture of them together, and they gladly volunteered their camera. With their backs to the sunset they put their arms around each other and I snapped the picture. They looked at the result on the view screen and thanked me, all smiles. They seemed almost awkward with each other, like an adolescent boy and girl on their first date, trying to get comfortable with each other. I couldn't help but wonder if this was their first time out as a couple in public, and if having their embrace photographed by a guy wearing boobs and makeup didn't help to ease their comfort level. I doubt, after all, if anybody would be paying attention to the gay guys holding hands when they had me to look at. And very few gave me, or anybody in our group, second notice. Actually, this couple was one of several gay and lesbian couples on the ship. On the evening of the formal dinner while walking to our dining room, Cathy and I passed a young couple, a young lady dressed in a beautiful formal gown, and the other a young transman dressed in a suit and tie. They made a cute couple, and Cathy and I both commented that it would be nice if we bumped into them again when we weren't hurrying to dinner so we could have a conversation. Unfortunately, it was a big ship with over 3,000 passengers, and we never got that second chance. ---- At dinner on our second night out, I could not make up my mind between the Mahi Mahi, the Lobster Tail and Shrimp, or the Prime Rib, and thought I would ask our waiter for his recommendation. “I can't make up my mind between the Mahi Mahi, the Lobster Tail and Shrimp, or the Prime Rib. Which . . .” “That's OK,” he interrupted. “I'll bring you all three. Do you want them all at the same time, or one after another?” For dessert I couldn't decide between the Apple Puff or the Warm Chocolate Cake, so he brought me both. After dinner I went up on deck to walk off some of my excess dinner, and worried that I would not fit into the dress that I had made for the Elegant Evening Dinner the next night. ---- One of the girls from “The Garden” group had decided before the cruise that she was only going to dress en-femme for 3 days of the 5 day cruise, and packed only 3 days of women's clothes, including a gorgeous evening gown that she had purchased a few years earlier. While dressing for the “Elegant Evening Dinner” she discovered that her gown no longer fit, and rather than asking if she could borrow a nice skirt and top, she decided to dine in guy mode. Unfortunately, he failed to pack any men's formal dinner clothes, and when he entered the dining room in a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts accompanied by his wife in a nice dress, he caught the attention of the Maitre D'. As the Maitre D' was making his rounds, joking and laughing in his Italian accent as he had the two previous nights, he walked around our table and bent down to talk to this guy in his Hawaiian shirt that was sitting across the table from Cathy & I. “Where is your pretty dress?” he asked in his Italian accent. “Look at this lovely lady next to you, how she's dressed so beautiful. You understand that this is the elegant evening, and we do have a dress code for dinner. Am I going to have to ask you to go get changed?” Without hesitation, Cathy blurted out, “But it's your fault that she's not dressed properly!” “My fault?! How is it my fault?” Well,” continued Cathy. “You've obviously been feeding us so well that she gained so much weight that she can't fit into the gown that she brought.” After a puzzled moment at being caught off guard, he laughed. “Yes! You are right, it's my fault, and I cannot hold you responsible. I apologize for feeding you too well.” The entire table got a good laugh, and we drank a toast to our host. ----- After we got back on board after going to the beach at our second port of call, Cozumel, Cathy wanted to shower and I went to one of the upper most decks to watch as our ship left the dock. I didn't have time to put on any makeup to cover my beard shadow or my hairpiece to hide my receding hairline, but I was wearing my forms and pink flip-flops, as I stretched on my tip toes to see the action on the pier below. Surprisingly, I was not feeling very self conscious of the way that I was dressed as I started a conversation with a couple standing next to me. They were veteran cruisers that had moved to New Orleans from Boston. When they asked if I was alone on the cruise or with a group, I said that my wife and I were traveling with a group of transgendered folks and their wives that had come from all across the country. “That's cool,” said the woman. “Have you had any problems?” “No, quite the contrary,” I said. “We've found nothing but respect and dignity.” “That's good,” she replied. “People can be so ignorant and cruel sometimes. I'm glad that you've not experienced that.” ---- Most of our time at sea was spent on one of the upper decks called the Lido Deck, lounging around one of the 2 swimming pools. We enjoyed lying in the sun, reading, napping, or having a drink or piece of pizza, often talking to other passengers. On our last day at sea, heading back to New Orleans, it was stormy and they closed the roof over the pool, which made it quite humid. Cathy decided to go to our cabin and take a nap and I opted to stay in my deck lounge and read my book. About an hour or so later, I decided to check out what was for lunch, pulled a jeans skirt over my bathing suit and headed for the buffets. After procuring a hotdog with sauerkraut and fries, I found an empty table near the stern windows, reading my book between bites and looking at how the wind was effecting our wake. I thought about how this rough weather was not even being felt on the upper decks of this huge ship, and imagined what it would be like to be out in our 24' sailboat in such weather. At one point I glanced up from my book when I heard a young lady ask, “What is that?” as she moved toward the glass, pointing towards our wake. Then I saw it, too, about 1/2 mile behind us. “That's a water spout,” I replied. “A water spout? What's that?” “It's a tornado over water, You can see the funnel cloud above it.” I replied. “And look, there's another one off to the left.” --- After we arrived back in New Orleans all passengers were assigned a “Zone Number” that would determine the order in which we would disembark. Cathy & I had Zone 19, which meant that we would be among the last to get to leave the ship. I think that there were very few amongst those of us waiting in the Lido Deck Dining Room that were in any rush to get off the ship. There are lots of places that could be a lot worse that we could be stuck in, and I for one did not want to see our vacation come to an end. At one point I got up and went over to get Cathy an iced tea and me a hot chocolate (the outside air temperature had dropped into the 50s) when suddenly I found myself next to a young man in his 20s. Reminiscent of a scene in a spy move where an agent is meeting with an informant, he started speaking to me in a hushed manner, not looking at me, as if he didn't want to be seen talking to a guy with boobs. “Why do you do that, dress like that?” he asked. “I wish I knew.” I responded. “It just makes me feel comfortable, in balance.” “Have you been doing it very long?” he further asked. “All my life, since I was 5 or 6.” Then his tone got very hushed. “I put on eye makeup once, when I was about 6.” “That may or may not mean anything.” I said. “Are you gay?” he quickly asked. “Nope,” I said. “As a matter of fact, that's my wife sitting over there. We've been married for over 30 years, and we have 5 kids.” “That's cool!” he said in a surprised tone, almost relieved. Then, as quickly as he had appeared, he was gone. ---
This cruise was the experience of a lifetime. Mel & Peggy, with their Dignity Cruises,
are doing a great service to the transgendered community. As vacations go, they are
very reasonably priced, and they give crossdressers the opportunity to spend time
dressed with dignity. Whether I was bumming around deck in a t-shirt and shorts,
dressed to the nines for dinner, lounging by the pool in a bathing suit, or casually
dressed and enjoying a good show, I was always comfortable. My only concern during
the entire experience was that I was going to eat so much of the great food that my
clothes might not fit. I would recommend this vacation to everyone. Perhaps, in the
future other members of AO will be able to join us on a Dignity Cruise. An Ode To The Thanksgiving of My Youth By Gloria Fall is a wonderful time of the year, at least for awhile. We can all enjoy the more moderate temperatures, the beauty of the colorful fall foliage, and the bright showing of the fall flora in its splendor. Then comes the frost, and colorful leaves turn to brown shadows of their previous glory. Plants that were strong and vibrant become tangled glops that don’t look very good at all. Halloween is there to cheer us with its laughter, candy and costumes. But then a comical thought of year’s ago when young boys turned over outhouses is long past. Nowadays there are sexy vampires and werewolves and mass murderers aplenty. How come there are no ugly, old vampires or werewolves? As all seems to get bleak around us, there comes a warm and caring day to uplift our spirits. That day is Thanksgiving. It is a day for family, friends, and loved ones, as well as for food, football and shopping. It is a day to give thanks for those things that have been good in our lives. Being a young lad with a deep hidden secret, it wasn’t easy to remember many times that satisfied the inner me. That part of me was hidden and unknown to others. What times I did remember did have to be kept to myself. But there was a certain trigger that only I knew that let me, for a moment, recall times I was thankful for. When I heard that trigger, I would smile. Unknown to others, who didn’t know it was a blessing, on Thanksgiving Day; it was my own inside joke when someone asked if I’d like some dressing. By Bobbi After several emails back and forth with concerns about the weather, whether or not tickets would be available, and which show to go too, Laura and I finally decided that we would go to the Saturday afternoon performance, “There's Something About Merry” by the North Coast Men's Chorus. I?m so glad that we were finally able to work out the details, as the concert was fabulous. The music selection included everything from contemporary tunes such as “We Wish You the Merriest” by Les Brown and a great arrangement of the Peter Paul and Mary song “Light One Candle”, to the very traditional “Ave Marie” by Bach and “Still, Still, Still”. There were comedy numbers like “The Davey Dinckle Song” about a boy who likes to make yellow snow, and a musical sketch called “Saint Nick at Night” that had chorus members portraying 1960's TV characters, including one of the best Archie and Edith Bunker portrayals, and there were some very moving pieces that included “Christmas Lullabye” and a piece titled “Am I Welcome Here?” that told the story of a young man that had been treated poorly in churches, looking for and finally finding on Christmas Eve, a church that would welcome him and allow him to be the person that God created. These were just a few of the succulent morsels that were on the musical menu, and all were enjoyable. At various times throughout the show I was moved both to laughter and to tears, but all the time experiencing great joy. The performers were impeccable, from the chorus to the soloists to the dancers, to the accompanists, to the director. The harmonies were enticing and the timing precise. This is a very talented and obviously dedicated group of gentlemen, and I look forward to attending future performances. There was also some obvious yet transparent work in the background to make this production seem so flawless. This included our own Denise “Fluffy”, who's name was mentioned no less than five times in the program. After the show, Laura and I walked around the corner to Bricco's for dinner. While they were booked up with reservations and there was a long wait for a table, we were made comfortable and served a wonderful dinner at the bar, where we shared delightful conversation with each other and the very congenial bartender. All in all, we had a great day out, heard some great music, enjoyed a great meal, and enjoyed each other's great company. I for one, am looking forward to doing it again.
Post Christmas Present In this newsletter are two poems, a song, and a skit that were written for this last Christmas Party. I told Ginger that I would pass them on to her for printing in the next newsletter. For inspiration I do, at times, greatly adapt songs, poems, plays, movies, etc., that work into the theme I am expounding on. What I write is meant for humor, and I hope you find a chuckle or two as you read my offerings.
HO, HO, HOBy Gloria What will Santa say He, He, He is not very realistic Hi, Hi, Hi could mean so many things Ha, Ha, Ha, would sound so tame, Santa should be able to say Ho, Ho, Ho
Rudy's Shiny Christmasby Gloria
When Santa topped off his drink with a wedge of lime And pondered of moving to a warmer clime. He pondered and pondered for reason and rhyme. He didn’t really want to move the North Pole ‘Cause the Elves really liked the brisk wintry cold. But when the storms did get so fearfully bold, How could he stay brave in the perils untold? The reindeer, they were courageous and true. Santa was sure they’d try to make it through. But without a beacon of light, Santa knew That chances of completing Christmas Eve were few. And so Santa stood there with his drink in his hand Knowing it was almost time he had to make a stand. Would he call off Christmas all over the land, Or would he mush onward as previously planned. After a gentle knock, Mrs. Claus entered his study. The storm report said the weather was sure to stay cruddy. Then Mrs. Claus said, “It’s true, facing the storm may get bloody; But you keep drinking those things, and you’ll look just like Rudy.” A glimmer of light sparkled in old Santa’s eye. Get ready for Christmas, for our reindeer will fly. While the sleigh was being loaded, Santa snuck off on the sly. He’d take on this storm, or know the reason why. Santa had forgotten Rudy, the reindeer in girly clothes Because he was teased, Rudy blushed, and that lit up his nose. Rudy’s nose got so bright and was almost the color of rose. If a CD could save Christmas, who cared if he was one of those. Santa soon found Rudy, all decked out in make-up and bling. As he neared him, Santa yelled out, “Don’t powder that thing.” Rudy just stood there dazed and not understanding, Why was Santa wanting Rudy, the reindeer changeling? “Rudy, I got to tell you, with that nose of yours so bright, I need you to help save Christmas and lead my sleigh tonight. The light of your nose will cut through the storm all right, And the world’s children will have presents at morning light.” Well, needless to speak, Rudy did lead Santa’s sleigh; But there was a price, at least as some people say. Rudy got in those reindeer games to play; And now there’s a Pride parade on a nice, warm spring day. While the legend and song don’t tell the whole story. Christmas was saved and Rudy did get the glory. Now all around the North Pole, not a soul does worry About someone being Larry all through the day, and, at night being Lori.
We Three GalsBy Gloria (TO THE MUSIC OF WE THREE KINGS OF ORIENT ARE)
WE THREE GALS GO SHOPPING BY CAR BLUE LIGHT SPECIALS BURNING BRIGHT. ONWARD LEADING, WE’RE PROCEEDING, GUIDE US TO MORE SALES WE’LL LIKE. BORN A KING, BUT DRESSED LIKE A QUEEN. SOME SAY WE ARE THE STRANGEST THEY’RE SEEN, IN HEELS AND HOSE AND FEMININE CLOTHES GOING TO SALES IS KEEN. CHORUS: OH, OH, WE MAY BE NO COMMON SIGHT GIVING SOME A SCARY FRIGHT. BUT IN OUR WAY, WE’LL FACE EACH DAY AND SHOP OUR WAY TO THE BLUE LIGHT. CHRISTMAS IS A GREAT TIME OF YEAR TO SHOP FOR THINGS WITHOUT ANY FEAR. WE BUY PRETTY CLOTHES, AND NOBODY KNOWS OUR SECRET IS KEPT UNCLEAR. CHORUS: OH, OH, SALES ARE GREAT, AND THEY DELIGHT. WE THREE GALS HAVE EARNED OUR STRIPES. ONWARD LEADING, WE’RE PROCEEDING BLUE LIGHT SPECIALS BURNING BRIGHT.
A.O. Christmas Skit 2010By Gloria NARRATOR: AS EVERYONE AT GUARDIAN ANGEL MISSION CONTROL KNOWS, THERE IS NOTHING ORDINARY ABOUT THE HAPPENINGS ON CHRISTMAS EVE. THE STORY OF GEORGETTE BAILEY IS STILL LONG REMEMBERED, THOUGH MOST ONLY REMEMBER THE PART ABOUT GEORGE. BUT NO MATTER HOW HECTIC THE SITUATIONS MAY BE, THERE IS NO REAL FEAR UNTIL CERTAIN WORDS ARE HEARD ON THE SPEAKER SYSTEM. THIS CHRISTMAS EVE SEEMED WELL ON ITS WAY TO BEING RATHER QUIET UNTIL A FRANTIC ANNOUNCEMENT WAS HEARD. ANGEL 1: “HUGH STONE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.” NARRATOR: MISSION CONTROL WENT SILENT AS THE HEAD GUARDIAN ANGEL CAME FROM HIS OFFICE. HUGH STONE: “WHAT’S THE PROBLEM, ANGEL 1? IS IT BAILEY AGAIN?” ANGEL 1: “NO, SIR. BAILEY IS AT HOME SIPPING SOME IRISH CRÈME.” HUGH STONE: “THEN WHAT IS IT, ANGEL 1?” ANGEL 1: IT’S SANTA, SIR. HE’S IN BIG TROUBLE. HUGH STONE: “WELL, WHAT TROUBLE COULD SANTA BE IN?” ANGEL 1: “HE WAS CAUGHT WITH GRASS IN CLEVELAND.” HUGH STONE: “OH, MY STARS AND GARTERS. THAT SURE WILL MAKE THINGS HOT IN CLEVELAND. IT MIGHT START THAT RIVER ON FIRE AGAIN.” ANGEL 1: “WELL, SIR, CLEVELAND IS ALREADY SUFFERING BECAUSE OF THE BROWNS. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF SANTA DOESN’T MAKE IT TO PITTSBURGH?” HUGH STONE: “YOU’RE RIGHT. PEOPLE FROM PITTSBURGH MIGHT COME UP TO CLEVELAND AND TAKE PRESENTS.” ANGEL 1: “YES, SIR. THEY’D BECOME PITTSBURGH STEELERS.” HUGH STONE: “I’LL NEED OUR BEST MAN ON THIS CASE. GET CLARENCE RIGHT AWAY.” ANGEL 1: “SIR. CLARENCE, OR SHOULD I SAY, CLARISSA, IS AT HER ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY. WE’LL NEED TO GO TO PLAN “G”. HUGH STONE: “OH, NO. THE FATE OF CHRISTMAS MAY BE IN THE BALANCE, AND WE NEED TO GO TO PLAN “G”? ANGEL 1: “TIME IS A FACTOR, SIR; AND “G” IS IN THE AREA.” NARRATOR: THOUGH “G” IS NOT A GUARDIAN ANGEL, SHE HAS HELPED IN DESPERATE SITUATIONS BEFORE. AND, BELIEVE ME, YOU DO NEED TO BE DESPERATE TO BRING “G” IN ON ANYTHING.” HUGH STONE: “CONTACT “G” RIGHT AWAY.” ANGEL 1: “I’LL USE THE SECRET BLONDE BIMBO LINE, SIR. IT GOES DIRECT TO “G’S” SECRET OFFICE.” NARRATOR: SECONDS LATER AN ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS THE BLONDE BIMBO LINE. PHONE MACHINE VOICE: IF THE SITUATION IS DIRE AND YOU SEEK EUPHORIA, DON’T DISPAIR. JUST DIAL GLORIA. HUGH STONE: “PICK UP THE PHONE, AGENT “G”. GLORIA, I KNOW YOU’RE IN THAT CLOSET SOMEWHERE TRYING SOMETHING ON.” AGENT “G”: “THIS IS AGENT “G”, SIR. YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.” HUGH STONE: “AGENT “G”, SANTA WAS CAUGHT WITH GRASS IN CLEVELAND. SANTA IS IN BIG TROUBLE.” AGENT “G”: “I’LL SAY! IF THE PEOPLE IN BUFFALO DON’T GET PRESENTS, THEY MAY SEND HIM SOME BILLS. HUGH STONE: “THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, FIND SANTA, AND GET HIM ON HIS WAY AGAIN.” AGENT “G”: “I UNDERSTAND, SIR. SAY, IF I GET THIS JOB DONE, CAN I GET A REAL GUARDIAN ANGEL BADGE?” HUGH STONE: “WE’LL SEE, AGENT “G”. YOUR WISH IS MY SUGGESTION. NOW, GET TO WORK AND FIND SANTA.” NARRATOR: AGENT “G” PREPARED TO FIND SANTA. KNOWING THAT ALL THE LOCAL CHANNELS TRACKED SANTA’S FLIGHT TOWARDS CLEVELAND, GLORIA TURNED OFF HER C.D. AND TURNED ON HER T.V. (SIDE NOTE: I DON’T WRITE THIS STUFF. I JUST READ IT.) ACCORDING TO ALL CHANNELS, SANTA WAS SOMEWHERE AROUND CHESTERLAND. AGENT “G”: “I BETTER TURN ON MY SUPER-SECRET SATELLITE SCANNERS AND FIND OUT SANTA’S EXACT LOCATION. WHY, HE SEEMS TO BE IN A PARKING LOT JUST EAST OF CLEVELAND.” THERE’S THE SLEIGH, THE REINDEER, AND A POLICE CAR.” NARRATOR: AGENT “G” COULD TELL THAT SANTA WAS IN THE POLICE CAR WITH AN OFFICER, AND SO SHE DECIDED TO LISTEN IN ON THEIR CONVERSATION. AGENT “G’S” LONG, DANGLY EARRINGS WERE, NOT ONLY SATELLITE SCANNERS, BUT SUPER SENSITIVE LISTEING DEVICES. GLORIA WAS SOON LISTENING TO THE CONVERSATION IN THE POLICE CAR. THE OFFICER SPOKE FIRST. OFFICER: “OKAY, FELLA, NOW TELL ME AGAIN WHAT YOU WERE DOING HERE.” NARRATOR: THEN SANTA SPOKE. SANTA: “WELL, OFFICER, I WAS TRAVELING THROUGH THE AREA, AND I NOTICED THAT ONE OF MY REINDEER SEEMED TO BE GETTING HUNGRY. OBVIOUSLY, HE HADN’T EATEN ENOUGH BEFORE WE LEFT HOME BECAUSE HE COULDN’T STAY HIGH WITH THE OTHER REINDEER. WE ALWAYS FEED THEM LOTS OF BROWNIES WITH LOTS OF SPECIAL CHRISTMAS GRASS SEASONING IN THEM SO THEY CAN GET REALLY HIGH, AND THE SUGAR GIVES THEM ENERGY.” OFFICER: “SO, YOUR REINDEER DIDN’T EAT ENOUGH BROWNIES FULL OF A SPECIAL INGREDIENT?” SANTA: “THAT’S RIGHT, OFFICER. HE OBVIOUSLY GOT THE MUNCHIES. SO, I DECIDED TO STOP AND SEE IF I COULD FIND A POT AND FEED HIM SOME GRASS SO I COULD GET HIM HIGH AGAIN. IT’S SPECIAL GRASS, EVEN IF IT DOES LOOK LIKE A WEED.” OFFICER: “SOUNDS LIKE YOU MAY HAVE HAD SOME OF THAT GRASS YOURSELF.” SANTA: “OH, NO OFFICER, I NEVER DO GRASS. BUT I DO DEAL AND PUSH FOR THE REINDEER TO GET IT. I ONLY DO COKE.” OFFICER: “I SEE, ON CHRISTMAS EVE YOU GIVE YOUR REINDEER BROWNIES WITH SPECIAL SEASONING GRASS SO THEY HAVE ENERGY AND STAY HIGH, AND YOU KEEP YOURSELF GOING WITH COKE.” SANTA: “THAT’S RIGHT, OFFICER. NOW, IF I DON’T GET GOING THERE COULD BE LOTS OF PROBLEMS. LUCKILY, I GOT TO SAN DIEGO WITH GIFT CARDS SO THE CHARGERS WILL HAVE THEM FOR THE AFTER-CHRISTMAS SALES; AND, HOPEFULLY, OAKLAND WILL BE SAFE FROM RIOTS BY RAIDERS. BUT I HAVE TO GET GOING OR PEOPLE IN BALTIMORE MIGHT START RAVEN.” OFFICER: “NOW, HOLD ON A NEW YORK MINUTE, FELLA, AND COOL YOUR JETS.” SANTA: “OFFICER, IF I DON’T GET TO NEW YORK THAT COULD BE A GIANT MISTAKE. AND I WOULDN’T BE A REAL PATRIOT OF THE HOLIDAY IF I DON’T GET TO NEW ENGLAND.” OFFICER: “NEXT, I EXPECT YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME THAT SOME TEXANS IN HOUSTON OR COWBOYS IN DALLAS WOULD BE BOTHERED IF YOU DIDN’T GET THERE.” SANTA: “BELIEVE ME, OFFICER, THEY REALLY ARE BEARS IF I DON’T GET TO CHICAGO; AND EAGLES WILL NOT FLY HIGH IN PHILADELPHIA, IF I DON’T GET THERE. WHY, IT WOULD BE LIKE REDSKINS ON A WAR PATH IF I DIDN’T GET TO WASHINGTON, D.C.” OFFICER: “AND WHAT IF YOU DIDN’T GET TO KANSAS CITY?” SANTA: “THAT WOULD BE A CHIEF CONCERN. BUT THEY’RE FRISKY AS COLTS IF I GET TO INDIANAPOLIS.” OFFICER: “I SUPPOSE YOU’RE A TITAN OF HUMANITY, IF YOU GET TO TENNESSEE.” SANTA: “WITHOUT A DOUBT, OFFICER. AND THEY ARE LIKE HARD-HEADED RAMS, IF I DON’T GET TO ST. LOUIS. MY HELPERS AND PEOPLE ALL OVER HAVE BEEN PACKING THINGS FOR MONTHS JUST FOR TONIGHT, EVEN PACKERS IN GREEN BAY.” OFFICER: “I SUPPOSE THERE ARE NO SAINTS IN NEW ORLEANS IF YOU DON’T GET THERE?” SANTA: “BELIEVE ME, OFFICER, PEOPLE ARE LIKE LIONS IN DETROIT, JAGUARS IN JACKSONVILLE, BENGALS IN CINCINNATI, AND PANTHERS IN CAROLINA, IF I DON’T GET THERE ON CHRISTMAS EVE. IN TAMPA BAY IT’S LIKE BUCCANEERS HIT THE PLACE OR LIKE VIKINGS INVADING MINNESOTA, IF I DON’T GET THERE.” OFFICER: “AND I’LL BET THEY’RE AS SCRAPPY AS FALCONS IN ATLANTA, AND SEAHAWKS IN SEATTLE WITHOUT YOU.” SANTA: “ABSOLUTELY, OFFICER. YET WHEN I GET TO MIAMI, THEY’RE AS PLAYFUL AS DOLPHINS; AND IT IS A CARDINAL RULE THAT I MUST GET TO ARIZONA; AND IN DENVER, IT’S LIKE A STAMPEDE OF BRONCO’S WITHOUT MY VISIT.” OFFICER: “YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE THERE WOULD BE A RUSH LIKE THE ‘49ERS IN CALIFORNIA IF YOU DIDN’T’ GET TO SAN FRANCISO.” SANTA: “OFFICER, WOULD YOU REALLY WANT TO TICK OFF NANCY PELOSI? MAYBE YOU, BUT NOT ME.” OFFICER: “OKAY, FELLA. I’VE HEARD ENOUGH. YOU GOT A LICENSE AND REGISTRATION FOR THAT RIG, AND PROOF OF INSURANCE.” SANTA: “OFFICER, THEY REALLY DON’T HAVE THOSE THINGS WHERE I COME FROM.” OFFICER: “REALLY, SO WHERE ARE YOU FROM - THE NORTH POLE?” SANTA: “WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, OFFICER, THAT IS WHERE I AM FROM.” OFFICER: “LET’S SEE. YOU’RE A GUY FROM THE NORTH POLE DRIVING A SLEIGH WITH REINDEER ON CHRISTMAS EVE, AND YOU DO COKE AND FEED YOUR REINDEER SPECIAL GRASS TO KEEP THEM HIGH.” SANTA: “AND THAT’S THE TRUTH, OFFICER.” OFFICER: “AND, WHAT’S IN THAT BAG ON THE SLEIGH?” SANTA: “THAT’S THE TOYS I DELIVER.” OFFICER: “LISTEN, FELLA, I’LL START TO TURN ON THE HEAT, IF YOU DON’T STOP BEING SO CAVALIER.” SANTA: “BUT, OFFICER, IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE; AND I MUST DELIVER THOSE PRESENTS.” NARRATOR: SUDDENLY ANOTHER VEHICLE ENTERS THE PARKING LOT. GLORIA (AGENT “G”) HAS FINALLY GOTTEN TO THE SCENE.. AGENT “G” SPEAKS. AGENT “G”: “OFFICER, I’M GLAD I GOT HERE IN TIME. I’M SPECIAL AGENT “G” WITH THE DEPARTMENT OF PARANORMAL EXPERIENCES.” OFFICER: “SO, YOU’RE A SPECIAL AGENT WITH DOPE? YOU MUST HAVE BEEN EATING SOME OF THOSE REINDEER BROWNIES YOURSELF, IF YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT.” AGENT “G”: “OFFICER, THIS IS SANTA, AND WE MUST GET HIM ON HIS WAY.” OFFICER: “HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. I THINK I HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT NOW. OKAY, WHERE’S THE CAMERA? WHERE’S ASHTON? YOU’RE A TV PERSON!” AGENT “G”: “DARN, I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A CLOSER SHAVE.” NARRATOR: “AGENT “G” ISN’T SURE WHAT TO SAY, WHEN SANTA SPEAKS.” SANTA: “AGENT “G”, YOU’RE SECRET IS OVER. THE OFFICER HAS FIGURED OUT THAT YOU ARE WITH MTV, AND HE IS BEING PUNK’D.” AGENT “G”: “THAT’S RIGHT, OFFICER. I’M ASHTON KUCHER, AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE FLUNKED ON GETTING YOU PUNK’D.” OFFICER: “YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE ASHTON KUCHER.” AGENT “G”: “IT’S THE SPECIAL EFFECTS. THEY MADE ME UP TO LOOK TEN POUNDS HEAVIER.” OFFICER: “LOOKS MORE LIKE FIFTY POUNDS TO ME, AND YOU LOOK TALLER ON TV.” AGENT “G”: “THEY USE A LOT OF DIFFERENT CAMERA ANGLES FOR THAT.” OFFICER: “WHAT ABOUT THE DRESS?” AGENT “G”: “IT’S A SURPRISE FOR DEMI. HOW DO YOU THINK SHE’LL LOOK IN IT?” OFFICER: “I THINK I’LL GET OUT OF HERE REAL QUICK.” NARRATOR: AND SO THE OFFICER LEAVES, AND SANTA FEEDS HIS REINDEER SOME SPECIAL REINDEER DUST, THEN TAKES A SIP OF HIS COKE. SANTA SPEAKS TO AGENT “G”. SANTA: “I WASN’T SURE HOW I WAS GOING TO GET OUT OF THAT MESS. MAYBE, I SHOULD DRINK PEPSI.” AGENT “G”: “LET’S JUST SAY YOU MUST HAVE HAD A GUARDIAN ANGEL ON YOUR SIDE.” NARRATOR: SANTA HEADS ON HIS WAY, AND AGENT “G” IS WHISKED TO GUARDIAN ANGEL MISSION CONTROL. HUGH STONE SPEAKS. HUGH STONE: “WELL, YOU DID SAVE CHRISTMAS. MAYBE SANTA WILL PUT SOMETHING UNDER YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE.” AGENT “G”: SAY, SINCE I DID SAVE CHRISTMAS, HOW ABOUT GIVING ME A BADGE?” HUGH STONE: “I’LL CHECK INTO THAT, BUT WE HAVE ANOTHER CASE FOR YOU. THERE’S A GRINCH WITH A SLEIGH NEAR WHOVILLE.” AGENT “G”: “WHOVILLE? SAY, ISN’T THAT THE TOWN WITHOUT ANY GUYS IN IT?” HUGH STONE: “I THINK YOU’LL FIGURE IT OUT ONCE YOU GET THERE, GLORIA.” NARRATOR: AND SO, ANOTHER CHRISTMAS EVE IS HELPED BY THE GUARDIAN ANGELS OF MISSION CONTROL AND AGENT “G”.
Twas The Night Before Christmas - A PoemBy Bobbie Twas the crossdresser Christmas, When all through the meetingNot a crossdresser was stirring, not even their spouses The stockings were worn by the men with style In hopes that they would not snag them on a chair The men were seated all glamour in their dresses While visions of new dresses danced in their heads And the spouses in their chairs watching with wonder Had settled down to eat, with good food aplenty When out of the kitchen the click of heels were heard Everyone looked to see who it could be Away to the doorway I glided like a lady Swung open the door and turned on the lights The light shown softly on the curly haired girl Gave the luster of elegance for all to see When, what to my wondering eyes should appear But a lady of Grace and eight high heeled girls With a tall grand dame, so lively and quick I knew in a moment must be Abigail More radiant than the sun her girls they danced And she whistled and shouted and called them by name Now Gloria! Now Paula, now Alexis and Suzanne! On Bobbi! On Rose, On Ginger and Laura. To the dance floor, to the center of the floor Now dance away! Dance Away Dance away all As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they met a dance floor, they danced all night So out to the dance floor they all descended With the room full of music, they all did dance And then in a moment, I heard on the floor The dancing and clicking of high heeled shoes As I through back my hair, and was turning around I could see the joy and laughter of all around She was dressed like a lady, from her curls to her heels And her clothes fashionable, with jewelry quite shiny A purse slung over her shoulder so large and heavy She looked like a queen just watching her girls Her eyes how they twinkled! Her makeup so Merry Her checks were like roses, her lips like a cherry Her turned up mouth was drawn with lipstick red And the hair on her head abound with curls The earrings that she wore dangled down from her ears And they sparkled in the light from under her hair She had a bright face and a long flowing dress That shimmer bright red as she walked all around us She was tall and slim a jolly young gal I marveled when I saw her in spite of myself A wink of her eye and a twist of her hair Soon let me know, she was leading the girls She spoke not a word, but went straight to the floor And lined up all the girls, and showed them some moves And laying her hands on her hips she stepped up And giving a nod, and danced the night away With her heels clicking , to her girls gave a whistle And away they all danced like the rockettes of New York But I heard her exclaim, “ere she ended the meeting Let’s get dressed one and all and have a good night
To Honor Chinese New Year The Year of the Rabbit
News From ChinaSubmitted by Diane http://shanghaiist.com/2010/05/05/china-liu-zhu-harisu.php This week in talent contests: Has China found its own Harisu?A gorgeous contestant, wearing blue stockings, white heels, and a colorful dress, went on a talent show and blew judges away. Not because of his singing voice, however, but because the contest was "Super Boy," and he looked (and sounded) every bit like a ... she. Check out the video here, in which, during his performance, he is repeatedly interrupted by the incredulous judges. ChinaHUSH was awesome enough to provide snippets of translation, especially from the most suspicious judge, Annie Rose : “I am still suspicious about your identity. Can we examine your gender?” “How do you examine?” “Do you choose a male judge or a female judge to verify? I still have doubts about your identity. I think you are a girl.” “I didn’t lie. Thank you.” “But I feel if you are lying, you are playing tricks on us and the viewers.” “I didn’t lie or play tricks on you.” “Then I hope the netizens will human flesh search you! Can you swear on your dignity?” “I can swear on it on anything…” Geez, Ms. Rose, don't ya think he would have gone through all that "identification business" during the registration process? Human flesh search? Ouch. Liu Zhu was apparently born in Nanchong Sichuan and a student at the Sichuan Conservatory of Music. The judges appear to be at a loss of what to do next -- but it seems that, by and large, netizens are supportive of Liu Zhu's participation (Annie Rose's cynicism notwithstanding). Liu Zhu's Baidu Wiki page also indicates that he has long been accepted by his friends, family and teachers -- and that he identifies as a "she." Given the somewhat delicate situation of transgenders and transsexuals in China, we can't help but welcome the dialogue and the attention. However, Liu Zhu's choice of "Super Boy" as a launching pad invites some questions: given his self-identification, would he have been better off trying out on "Super Girl" instead? So yeah, Korea may have Harisu, and Taiwan may have Regine Wu. But maybe China has just found something that will give those two a run for their money?
China Daily Top TenSubmitted by Diane http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/entertainment/2010-12/08/content_11672075.htm Social decorum dictates men and women dress in certain manners. But some dare to defy these norms and dress up in whatever way they fancy. China has a tradition of female-impersonating opera stars, but this year saw a rich breed of men, mostly full of youth and bravado, who love to flaunt a feminine façade. Here, China Daily web editors have picked ten who gained popularity – or notoriety in some cases - through national talent shows, cosplay performances or simply their professions. Check out bios and photos here.
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