ACT ONE

Narrator: Welcome to our presentation this evening. The Alpha Omega dramatic ensemble will perform yet another in a series of original off-Broadway Christmas plays that is destined to become an unforgettable holiday memory.

And, believe me, I have tried to forget them. Be that as it may, and since nobody else came up with anything, we shall once more endure another of Gloria Sue Fenton’s witty creations.

Gloria’s plays are always thought provoking. I, myself, have many times thought, “How can I get out of here?” when I listen to one of Gloria’s plays.

This year’s presentation is entitled “Santa Claus Ain’t Coming to Town, ‘Cause Santa Claus Ain’t Nowhere Around.” My mind is already provoked.

The following warning must be stated before our play begins. The performers in tonight’s play are not trained professionals. They were just stuck with doing the parts, but please do not attempt this play at home. In Gloria’s case, however, her blondeness has already prevented any further brain damage. The rest are on their own.



Our scene opens the morning of Christmas Eve, at the North Pole.

Oswald (elf): As everyone knows, Christmas Eve is the most important day of the year at the North Pole. And, perhaps, the biggest tradition on Christmas Eve is Santa getting the “Christmas kiss” from Mrs. Claus before he heads out to deliver toys all over the world.

It is said that Santa gets a lot of energy out of that “Christmas kiss,” and can’t wait to deliver all the gifts, and get back to Mrs. Claus for a good night’s sleep.

Santa also gets energy from all the cookies the children leave him. Even Mrs. Claus makes cookies for Santa to have when he gets home.

Mrs. Claus: That man just can’t wait to get his hands on my cookies.

Narrator: There is no proof that Santa’s middle name is Randolph, but on Christmas day Mrs. Claus just giggles and sure does call him “handy randy” a lot. She must have some really good cookies.

Oswald (elf): Getting back to our story, on Christmas Eve, Santa is always up early in order to make sure the sleigh gets packed just right for easy delivery. But on this Christmas Eve morning, it soon becomes apparent that something is wrong. Santa Claus is nowhere to be found.

Narrator: Right away, a call goes out to the Elf B. I.

Oswald (elf): This is where I, chief inspector Oswald come into the story. There had been no alarm from Mrs. Claus so, as far as I could tell, she did not know that Santa was missing.

Narrator: Just a few years ago, Mrs. Claus had come up missing. At that time, as the search for Mrs. Claus went on, Oswald was forced to disguise himself as Mrs. Claus, so complete panic was averted.

Luckily, Mrs. Claus was all right this time, but if it got out that Santa was missing, it could be the complete end of Christmas, as we know it.

Oswald (elf): I still have my “Mrs. Claus” disguise - just in case.

Once more, I was called to duty, but this time I had to pretend to be Santa. Luckily, that last time when I was Mrs. Claus and had to give Santa the “Christmas kiss,” had only been a dream.

Narrator: Actually, Oswald had fainted. But, that’s a completely different Christmas story to talk about some other time. It was easier to just let Oswald believe it had been a dream.

Oswald (elf): Since I had to pretend to be Santa, I turned over the case to C.S.I. North Pole. The head of C.S.I. North Pole was Limbaugh, but I needed him to help me check out the naughty and nice list. I had told him, “check out the list quick, but don’t rush, Limbaugh.”

To help C.S.I. North Pole, I had called for special help from C.S.I. Miami. Horatio Caine was busy, but they sent his brother, Harry Caine.

Narrator: Though Oswald didn’t say it, Oswald knew that Harry Caine had a special connection to C.S.I. North Pole. More on that later.

Then Harry Caine blew into the North Pole just as fast as possible, which with a little Elf magic was pretty quick.

Oswald (elf): After Harry Caine got there, I told him about my having to pretend to be Santa, and turned the case over to him.

Narrator: Harry Caine took charge right away. You could tell that because he put on his sunglasses. You knew he was serious then.

Oswald changed to look like Santa and pretends to do Santa stuff.

Harry Caine went to look at the last place anyone remembered seeing Santa, in his private workshop.

Harry Caine: Oh, my stars and garters, there’s blood all over. Harry takes off his sunglasses.

Narrator: Kirk, of Santa’s elite special guard, was there to explain, as the rest of the C.S.I. crew began searching for clues. Kirk was captain of the elite guard.

Capt Kirk (elf): No - that’s - not blood - its ketchup.

Harry Caine - puts his glasses back on: Oh, my stars and garters, there’s ketchup all over. takes off the glasses.

Capt Kirk (elf): When - we got here - we found - someone - eating their - lunch. We think he was here - for - another reason - though.

Harry Caine - puts on his glasses: I’ll interrogate the suspect myself.

Capt Kirk (elf): His - street name - is king.

Narrator: Harry Caine goes over to talk to King (elf).

King (elf): I’m innocent, I tell you. I don’t know nothing about Santa being missing. I’m just eating my lunch.

Harry Caine: That sure is a big burger, King. But it’s not as much of a whopper as you’re trying to feed me.

King (elf): It’s not a burger. It’s a ham sandwich.

Capt Kirk (elf): Harry, we just - found out - that - he breaks - into people’s houses - but - he only - takes hams.

Harry Caine: Now that doesn’t sound very kosher. That means he’s just a ham burglar. takes off glasses.

Narrator: King (elf) is taken from the room.

Harry Caine - put on glasses: Are there any other developments in the case?

Narrator: Oswald (elf), as Santa, walks into the room.

Oswald (elf): Harry, I was on the toy line and checked out one of the HDTV’s. Wolf Blitzer just broke news of the story on CNN.

Harry Caine: How’d he hear about it? takes off glasses.

Oswald (elf): I don’t know. he does seem to have a source up here, but we’ve check out everybody.

Harry Caine - puts on glasses: Even the reindeer? Blitzer, Blitzer. you had better check that out, Ozzie. takes off glasses.

Oswald (elf): My heavens, I’ll check that out right away.

Narrator: Oswald (elf) gets ready to leave the room.

Harry Caine: Now, now, hold on Ozzie. You gotta let me put my glasses back on or nobody will know this is a real plot twist in the case.

Narrator: Harry Caine puts his glasses back on, and Oswald (elf) leaves the room.

Harry Caine: There, that’s better. Captain Kirk, I have a special mission for you. You will need to get a secret message to Mrs. Claus, about Santa being missing. takes off glasses.

Capt Kirk (elf): But Harry - she - will be at - the - ladies’ luncheon. Men - are not - allowed there.

Harry Caine - puts on glasses: I know, but you must command this enterprise, and go where no man has gone before. Do not vulcanize your fears and cling on to them. You must be a voyager for the next generation, and trans - port yourself at warp speed, without being lost in deep space. Nein. (I speak a little German.) You must get a message to Mrs. Claus, even if it isn’t logical. Take a couple others with you.

Capt Kirk (elf): I’ll take - my - second in command - Lou (elf) - and - a new recruit - from our - Asian force. Mister Su. Lou - chart -- a course - to the - ladies’ luncheon.

Harry Caine: And don’t look like some Tijuana hooker, or we’ll have to bring in that Boston legal firm. takes glasses off.

Narrator: Besides the Christmas kiss, another Christmas eve tradition at the north pole is the ladies’ luncheon given for Mrs. Claus. Though Mrs. Claus liked to be just one of the girls, she was Santa’s wife, and the luncheon was how the lady elves let her know that they thought of her as a queen. Kathleen (elf) directed the ladies’ luncheon.

Kathleen (elf): Gosh, I hope Mrs. Claus wears a shorter dress this year.

Narrator: Last year, the train on Mrs. Claus’s gown had knocked over a candleholder, and her gown had caught fire. It was put out right away, and even Mrs. Claus laughed about it. However, the next day, the newspaper got hold of the story, and headlined it even above Santa’s trip. “Flaming queen gets roasted” was the headline. This year would be different.

Kathleen (elf): As we all know, we are here as the ladies of the north pole to honor Mrs. Claus. This year there is no candleholder in the way, and Mrs. Claus is wearing a shorter gown. Mrs. Claus will not be flaming this year. She will just be a regular queen.

As a loyal subject of our queen, we should all be humble. Since I don’t want this introduction for our queen to be a drag. Here she is. A real queen. Mrs. Claus.

voice gets louder. Let’s all get ready to be humble.

Narrator: Mrs. Claus entered the room to thunderous applause. It was at that moment that captain Kirk (elf) tried to get into the ladies’ luncheon. Mister Su and Lou had helped to get Kirk dressed like a lady. They had also forged an invitation to the luncheon for her.

For a name, they used a name they made up. since it was such a weird and unusual name, they put on the invitation that she was from San Francisco, California.

Nobody questioned the invitation at all. And so, Miss Terspock got into the ladies’ luncheon.

Mrs. Claus: Ladies, ladies, I thank you so much for your applause, and for this wonderful luncheon. Why, there is such a variety of food, including my favorite, lime Jell-O.

Why that even reminds me of a song that I used to know.

Capt Kirk (elf): I know the song. I’ll sing it for you all.

Chloe sings the song “lime Jell-O”

Narrator: Kirk had a voice like Twain, not Shania but rather, mark Twain; and he sang the song. But the ladies all applauded just to be polite.

Miss Terspock made her way to Kathleen (elf), told her of the deception and the urgency to get a message to Mrs. Claus. (Kathleen (elf) was also the head of Mrs. Claus’s security detail.)

Kathleen (elf): I’ll take you to Mrs. Claus. Walk this way.

Capt Kirk (elf): I’ll try - but only because - I’m forced to.

Narrator: Miss Terspock was seen talking to Mrs. Claus, but nobody suspected that Santa was missing.

Mrs. Claus: I’ll make sure nobody suspects Oswald (elf) is pretending to be Santa; but, Miss Terspock, you better find Santa before the Christmas kiss, or else. And you make sure and tell Oswald to keep his hands off my cookies, too.

Narrator: Kathleen (elf) and miss Terspock quietly leave the luncheon.

Kathleen (elf): You tell Harry Caine to get Santa found right away; and, by the way, Kirk, are you a part of C.S.I.?

Narrator: Miss Terspock only smiled and walked away. More on that later. After changing, Capt Kirk (elf), returned to Santa’s private workshop.

Capt Kirk (elf): You better - solve this case - quick, Harry. Mrs. Claus - said so. - so did - Kathleen (elf).

Harry Caine - puts glasses on: I can understand Mrs. Claus, but who’s cousin does Kathleen (elf) think she is? takes off glasses.

Narrator: Oswald (elf), as Santa, walks in then.

Oswald (elf): Actually, Harry, she’s w’s (dubba u’s) seventh cousin. I just got an email from W. this case could get very political since you’re not supposed to talk about Santa and Christmas any more. Everything is just supposed to be happy holidays. “W” wants this case solved before the members of a “certain political party” blame him for this, too.

I’ve been told that “W” is sending someone to check on the case named, Ima Christian. She works in the west wing. I wonder if that’s the right or left wing of the white house?

Narrator: Oswald (elf) goes back to pretending to be Santa. Only moments later Harry Caine is introduced to Ima Christian.

Harry Caine - puts glasses on: Well, ms. Christian. I understand you are here to check on our problem.

Ima Christian - with Jewish accent: Problems, schnoblems. you think you got problems. My life is nothing but problems. When I married a gentile, now that was a problem.

Harry Caine: Ms. Christian, I can’t help but notice that you have an accent.

Ima Christian: And there is another problem, a curse it is. I was born in New York City, and have a Brooklyn accent.

Harry Caine: New York City? Isn’t that the salsa capital of the world?

Ima Christian: After the Dodgers left, everything changed; but, salsa, smaltza, what are you doing with your problem? Make sure I tell you about my brother Irving. He has a deviated something, and has he got problems.

Harry Caine: Believe me, Ms. Christian. I’ve run across a lot of deviations up here. takes off glasses

Ima Christian: Well, yours may be up here, but his is down there.

Narrator: And so Harry Caine told Ima Christian about Santa being missing, and that few clues had been found yet.

At that same moment, Mrs. Claus and Kathleen (elf) were talking.

Mrs. Claus: So the president is your seventh cousin?

Kathleen (elf): Yes, it’s true.

Mrs. Claus: Please, tell me that you haven’t told Gloria about this.

Narrator: Gloria, the leader of Alpha-Omega in Ohio, was a very close friend of Kathleen’s, and well known to Santa and Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Can you imagine if “w” (dubba ya) and Gloria ever got together - 2008 isn’t that far away.

Kathleen (elf): For heaven’s sake, don’t every say that again. Gloria might hear you. Could you imagine Gloria running against Hillary?

Mrs. Claus: Two blondes running for president! Oh, my heavens, say it won’t be so!

Kathleen (elf): I think that Gloria is faster in heels than Hillary is.

Mrs. Claus: She better be if bill is around.

Narrator: Getting back to the case, we again return to Santa’s private workshop. Captain Kirk (elf) is watching one of the C.S.I. investigators and asks Harry Caine a question.

Capt Kirk (elf): Is that bones?

Harry Caine - puts glasses on: No, it’s just dog biscuits. takes glasses off.

Narrator: Oswald (elf), as Santa, is helping load the sleigh when Kathleen (elf) rushes over to ask a question.

Kathleen (elf): Ozzie, have you seen Harry, yet?

Oswald (elf): I haven’t been “her” since our last meeting.

Narrator: Oswald immediately realized he had made a mistake, and tried to cover it up.

Oswald (elf): Ah, no, I haven’t seen Harry for a while.

Kathleen (elf): Ozzie, are you a part of C.S.I. too?

Narrator: Oswald (elf) just smiled and rushed away. More on that later.

The day passed on with Oswald (elf) pretending to be Santa. The sleigh was loaded, and time was getting closer for the Christmas kiss.

Oswald (elf): Harry, you better find Santa right away. There’s only half an hour to the Christmas kiss.

Harry Caine - puts on glasses: Gather everyone around, Ozzie. I have solved the case. I will tell you about it after the Christmas kiss. takes off glasses.

Narrator: Oswald (elf) gathers Mrs. Claus, Kathleen (elf), captain Kirk (elf), and Ima Christian, and he and the others all meet with Harry Caine.

Oswald (elf): The seconds were now ticking down for the Christmas kiss, and Mrs. Claus was not looking too thrilled as I began to pucker up.

Narrator: Just then Santa, the real Santa, came into the room carrying a puppy. Walking over towards Mrs. Claus, he hands the puppy to Kathleen (elf), and then the Christmas kiss happens, and Mrs. Claus looks real happy.

Mrs. Claus: I’ll have my cookies all ready when you get home.

Narrator: Santa’s cheeks get all rosy. But, before he jumps into the sleigh and heads off to deliver the toys, he takes the puppy from Kathleen (elf) and gives it to Mrs. Claus. Santa had given the first present for the year to Mrs. Claus.

Santa takes off on the sleigh.

Mrs. Claus: I didn’t realize he knew I wanted a puppy. But, when did he get it?

Harry Caine - puts on glasses: That, Mrs. Claus was why Santa was missing today, isn’t it Ozzie?

Oswald (elf): Yes, it’s true. In order for Santa to go and get the puppy we had to pretend he was missing.

Capt Kirk (elf): The puppy - is why - we found - the dog biscuits.

Mrs. Claus: Oh my, I better go get my cookies ready for Santa. He’s really earned them this year.

Narrator: Mrs. Claus leaves, and everyone else gathers around Oswald (elf) and Harry Caine.

Oswald (elf): All right, Harry, you figured out about the puppy, but did you figure out about the rest of it, yet?

Harry Caine: Do you mean figuring out that Blitzen was the news leak for Wolfe Blitzer at CNN?

Oswald (elf): Yes, Blitzen was a mole at the north pole. but we just wanted you to think you solved that, so you wouldn’t realize the rest.

Harry Caine: There’s more? takes off glasses.

Oswald (elf): I think you’ve figured some of it out, haven’t you Kathleen?

Kathleen (elf): This is about C.S.I. isn’t it? and what it really stands for. C.S.I. is not just crime scene investigation.

Oswald (elf): That’s right, Kathleen. C.S.I. is also Christmas Sister’s International. I may be Ozzie to almost everybody, but at our meetings I am known as Harriet.

Narrator: Another tradition on Christmas eve, after Santa left on his sleigh and Mrs. Claus was getting her cookies ready, is the C.S.I. Christmas party for all the C.S.I. members. Even members of other C.S.I. chapters could attend the party at the north pole.

Ima Christian: Would you like a ham sandwich, Harry Caine? or should I call you, Candy Caine?

Harry Caine - puts on glasses: Hey, wait a minute; you were King (elf), too?

Ima Christian: That’s right, Harry. I’m the one that brought the dog biscuits as King (elf), so nobody would suspect me. After that I had to become Ima Christian so you wouldn’t see me as King (elf) again.

Harry Caine: But, I thought “w” (dubba ya) sent you up here. takes off glasses.

Ima Christian: She did, or rather Georgette did. As she is the leader of C.S.I. Washington D.C. The dog biscuits were a gift for Mrs. Claus’s puppy because Georgette couldn’t make the Christmas party this year.

Oswald (elf): On top of that, I was suspecting that Kathleen was guessing about C.S.I. so I had to keep her busy. By sending in Captain Kirk (elf), I solved two concerns at once.

Kathleen was kept busy thinking about Santa being missing, but the situation got Kirk into a dress.

Narrator: C.S.I. North Pole had been contacted by someone too afraid to attend a meeting. Harriet had figured out that it was Kirk (elf).

Oswald (elf): By forcing Kirk to dress like a lady to get a message to Mrs. Claus, I knew he’d be ready to be invited to the Christmas party, if we gave him the right space.

Capt Kirk (elf): I - just needed - a little - space. Can I -- change my name - to Jamie?

Narrator: Kirk left to get ready for the C.S.I. Christmas party.

Oswald (elf): Would you like to come to the C.S.I. Christmas party, Kathleen? But, please, don’t tell Gloria about Georgette.

Narrator: Kathleen and Ima leave for the party.

Harry Caine - puts on glasses: Well, you sure fooled me, Ozzie, but why did you need me here?

Oswald (elf): I needed you here for the party since you were chosen C.S.I. lady of the year, or I should say that Candy Caine was chosen as C.S.I. lady of the year, you old crone.

Harry Caine: Bring in the crones, Harriet.

Narrator: And so everybody was happy. Santa was rushing to deliver presents to get home to Mrs. Claus. Mrs. Claus was getting her cookies ready for Santa. And, the C.S.I. party was going strong.

Even Wolfe Blitzer at CNN was happy. He had lost Blitzen as a mole at the North Pole, but he now had a new mole. The puppy was a Wolfhound.


THE END