[Upfront] The Month
[The Buzz] Club News
[First Person] The women in my life
[Bits & Pieces] Diane's out and about
[Common Cause] Metamorphosis in Maine
[A CD Eye for the Arts] My Mother's Transvestities by Tiff Holland
[In The News] PinkEssence
[From the Archive] Who's Zooming Who? Part I - June 1995
[Last Laugh] Dress code

[Upfront]
THE MONTH

Chairman Gloria Fenton is up first discussing the women in her life.

Diane Frank on living the “life” and passing “unseen.”

The TG spectrum - yes, a lot of differences, but some common causes too. A short IN Newsweekly interview with author, Jennifer Finney Boylan.

Author and poet, Tiff Holland, is back with a poem - My Mother's Transvestites.

A new NE Ohio TG resource, PinkEssence, is on-line now, founded and moderated by AO's very own Social Director - Chloe Prince.

Eleven years ago current member, Deborah Lee, talked of coming out at work. (first time on the web)

There's humor, and more!

Elaine

[The Buzz]
LOCAL NEWS

November Birthdays

[First Person]
THE WOMEN IN MY LIFE

By Gloria FENTON

Sandy was the first woman to know that I liked to wear women’s things and to be able to dress up and look like a woman. She was also the first woman to every knowingly and willingly let me wear her things, and the first to make it possible to do so. Sandy was my girlfriend at the time, and was seventeen. At first it was hard for me to believe, but virtually all of Sandy’s clothes fit me. Sandy’s shoes fit me. Sandy let me wear all her jewelry and even taught me to wear her make up by letting me watch her do her makeup. I was literally able to dress just like Sandy, with her letting me do it.

Jolene was the second woman I ever told my secret to, and when I told her, she told me she had no problem at all knowing that I liked to dress like a woman. She also told me she would let me wear anything of hers that fit me. The only thing she ever let me wear was one pair of her panties. I did, however, with time and opportunity, wear a lot more of Jolene’s things than just those panties. I did wear at least some of her clothes and shoes, as well as her wigs. I never told her that, though, and as far as I know, she never knew I did it.

The third woman I ever told my secret to was Gwen. When I told her that I liked to dress like a woman, she just looked at me and said “So what.” I then told her that I had already “borrowed” some of her things, worn them, and that her clothes and shoes had fit me. Gwen just looked at me, smiled, and asked me what else of hers would I like to borrow. I wore a lot of her clothes, shoes, and wigs after that.

Christine was the next woman to know my secret. She was a friend that I trusted. I did wear some of her clothes without her knowing it. Years later, I did tell her about wearing her clothes. She was surprised her things had fit me, after I told her what I had worn. I wanted Christine to know the truth, and we are still friends.

Mallory was the next woman I told that I liked to dress like a woman. Though we dated for awhile, we did drift apart. We parted friends, though. I never wore anything of hers, nor ever tried. Mallory never told anyone else my secret.

Hannah was the next woman I told. She just began laughing and told me she had already suspected it when she noticed my ears were pierced. Hannah even let me put on her earrings so she could see them on me. My job moved me to another location far away, and we lost touch with each other. I still remember her smiling at me as she saw me wearing her earrings, and telling me that she thought I would look real pretty as a woman.

I knew I was falling in love with Ellen, and I told her that I liked to dress like a woman. Her first words to me after that were that she didn’t consider herself to be very feminine as far as wearing dresses, and that she only had two dresses that I could wear. Surprised by Ellen’s comment, I asked her if she really meant what she had said about letting me wear her dresses. She told me after a bit, that I could wear everything of hers that fit me. Virtually all of Ellen’s clothes and shoes fit me, and she knew I wore them. I had some of my own things then, and Ellen did even wear some of my shoes and wigs at times. Ellen even cut her hair so that it looked like one of my wigs that she liked. Ellen even began to wear some of my makeup.

One night Ellen insisted on seeing me dressed as a woman. I did warn her that I would not look silly, but as real as I could. Ellen was only the second woman to ever see me complete as a woman. Sandy was the first. The next morning Ellen saw me as a woman. She saw me in three different outfits. Some clothes were mine, but mostly they were hers. Ellen went stone silent when she saw me. I changed back to male clothes. Ellen was silent for hours before I got her to talk to me. She told me, I looked too real as a woman.

I won’t even try to explain all that happened in the nine-and-a-half years after that. At the end, though, Ellen, told me that literally from the first time she saw me as a woman, in her mind’s eye, as she called it, that all she ever could see me as, was as a woman. I was too real a woman, to be a man. I was too pretty, too feminine, and she was not a lesbian.

I had married Sandy and Ellen. Both had known up front that I dressed as a woman. Both, on their own, let me wear everything they had. Both of them remarried after divorcing me. As an ironic twist, though I cannot prove it, I was told that Sandy had an affair with Jolene, and I heard speculation that Ellen had an affair with a woman she worked with.

After Ellen divorced me, my life was a total mess, and I knew I had to find a way to rebuild it. That was when I found AO, and I began to put the pieces back together. Here I have told you about seven women that I told my biggest and deepest life secret to and at least a few details about each. I guess the biggest thing about each is that my deepest secret did not really shock any of them, as I thought it might when I’d told them. There may have been surprise, but not shock.

Sandy had me wearing her clothes and things while I was still wondering if she was going to break up with me. Even when Sandy did leave me, she left behind a bra and six pair of her panties so I could wear them. She shocked me by doing that.

Jolene wanted me to wear the panties she gave me. Gwen made sure I had clothes and shoes of hers for me to wear, and even once kissed me and rubbed my chest while I was wearing one of her bras under my men’s shirt. Her hand was under my shirt, and she knew I had her bra on.

Christine actually knew two other guys who dressed as women, and we talked a lot about it. Mallory, I knew, could not accept my dressing up, but she didn’t think badly of me because of it. Hannah offered to let me wear her earrings. Even Ellen told me I could wear her things. At times when I tried to purge or get rid of things, Ellen would not let me do it. When Ellen left me, she told me to make a list of everything of hers that I wanted. She gave me those things and more.

At least half the things I wore to my first AO meeting had been Ellen’s. I still have some of Ellen’s things. Only Ellen, that I know of, ever told anyone else my secret, but never once did she ever use it against me.

Well, now you know a little more about my life, and some about some of the women who have been a part of it. Each of them affected my life, some in many ways, just as I affected their lives, but not always in good ways. Till next time, take care.

Glo

[Bits & Pieces]

By Diane FRANK

Passing
I think I've made it pretty clear that I don't pass, or certainly don't expect to. So when it happens, I'm pretty dumbfounded. I'm sharing this not to brag, but because of how negative we can all get about ourselves, and not sometimes see ourselves as other's see us.

In this case I found out about three weeks after it happened.

I was attending a friend’s party. It was a fun occasion, and I won a prize for bringing a great hors d'oeuvre. I talked with friends, and my hostess's sisters-in-law and generally assumed that people read me and went along with things. Later in the party a tall woman accosted me and said "I'm so glad to see another tall woman here". And we talked for about a 1/2 an hour, mostly about her need to find a new job. I promised some leads to sources I'd used recently (not that they'd helped me...but you never know). I sent several emails and heard nothing back.

In chatting with my hostess later I confessed to being a little confused about the lack of response. Among other things, when you're doing a job search it's really bad form not to promptly thank anyone who throws you a line of any kind. I was concerned that she'd decided I was too risky to be associated with or something like that...a half hour chat at a party is one thing, but actually going past that was a spur of the moment error on her part.

My hostess found out that she'd gotten the email but was deluged with health problems, and her husband's slack business.

Shopping
Even though I’m out a lot, the usual shopping at the mall isn’t my thing. One of my favorite stores is “Coldwater Creek,” and I’m pleased to report good treatment when I stopped by after a meeting nearby to the Legacy Village branch. Coldwater Creek is pricey, unless they are having a sale, and they were having a 70% off sale. I was browsing the sale racks and the saleswoman came up to me and asked if she could help. She rattled off a list of people who I might be shopping for, to which I raised an eyebrow and said, “How about an alter-ego?” I won’t say she didn’t bat an eye, but she did recover quickly, pointing out where I could try things on if I wanted and so forth. If you want an idea of what they carry look here: www.coldwatercreek.com If you want to drool over even pricier clothes for holiday parties and sophisticated entertaining, try: www.peruvianconnection.com

Passing, Deux
And, then the Saturday before Halloween I was helping a friend from book circle with her computer. The relative who was supposed to get new ink for her computer hadn’t. So I dashed off to the local big-box computer store. Again, I experienced astonishment as I had absolutely no reaction from anyone. I had thought, well, I can get away with this, you know, claim a costume party that I was on my way to. I had to ask for one of the ink cartridges…nothing. No widened eyes, no looking me up and down, no raised eyebrows and no whispers behind my back.

Thanks
It’s noteworthy that we’ve received a thank you card from the people whose space we borrow for our meetings. We make a donation each month based on our revenue. It’s nice to know that’s appreciated.

Coming Up
Note that our December meeting will not shift to the first Saturday of the Month as usual, but will stay in the second Saturday of the month slot. Chloe has arranged for a group outing to “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” production at Cleveland public theatre on December 2nd. Contact Chloe for more info, or better still to sign up. (Gloria is also reported to be working on a really hot Holiday Play this year.)

[Common Cause]
METAMORPHOSIS IN MAINE

By A. G. Richards

(From IN Newsweekly: New England's Largest GLBT Newspaper; Volume 14, Issue 40, May 25, 2005, page 18)

Maine resident Jennifer Finney Boylan talks about herself and her contribution to a new anthology of Transgender Writings.

"Sexual Metamorphosis," edited by Jonathan Ames, is an anthology comprised of excerpts from a number of transgender autobiographies. The book includes chapters by early MTFs (Male To Female) Christine Jorgensen, tennis veteran Renee Richards, and Calpernia Adams, whose story was part of the celebrated cable television movie, "A Soldier's Girl." The collection also includes photographer Loren Cameron, as one of four FTM (Female To Male) stories.

An excerpt from "She's Not There," Jennifer Finney Boylan's popular memoir, is also included. [read Diane Frank's 2004 review]

Boylan, who has a new novel out next year and is co-chair of the English department at Colby College in Maine, spoke by phone recently in regard to the anthology.

IN NEWSWEEKLY: What are your thoughts on the need for books by trans people?

JFB: There are a lot of different perspectives in "Sexual Metamorphosis." Transsexuality is really just emerging in terms of its discourse. When you come out as transgender, by and large you still have to explain to people what the devil it is. Being transgender means you could be a transsexual like me, gender queer, a cross-dresser, inter-sexed, or a drag queen. It could mean a lot of different things.

The transgender narrative is still one that's unfamiliar to most straight people and, unfortunately, to most gay and lesbian people as well. I think transgender people are going to be compelled to keep telling their stories until they no longer have to be told. The Grateful Dead have a line in an old song about imaging a day when things that we've never seen will seem familiar.

"Sexual Metamorphosis" is valuable as a historical record. What we mean by being female, even among transsexuals, has evolved. When we first started talking about, say, a man who wants to become a woman, I think there was some concern from early feminists and sociologists that a transsexual was someone who couldn't find within, as an example, his gender a means of expressing femininity, where in fact it had nothing to do with it. We're all trying to resist what the culture seems to require of men and women. But that still has nothing to do with transsexuality. It's really a physical dilemma.

INN: Could you tell us about yourself, others and the concept of "passing"?

JFB: I have been received generously and compassionately on the whole. Having said that, we have to recognize that there are thousands of transgender people in this country whose lives are in danger, who are being fired from their jobs, who are receiving the very worst of what the culture has to offer. The struggle of those people is my struggle, too.

What we're talking about is the issue of passing. The very first question that a reporter asked me [last summer] was "How come so many transsexuals look like Herman Munster in a dress?" So what do we do with that question? Because the fact is that a lot of transsexual women are never going to look like women. As a result they are going to be on the receiving end of violence and prejudice. I'm glad that I lucked out to some degree, but it's also true that those people who are being described as Herman Munster in a dress are the same as I am. Their fight is the same fight that I am fighting.

INN: Tell us about finding peace with yourself in your new gender role.

JFB: I'm now free from a lot of those burdens that I carried. I do feel at peace; I do feel lucky. In some ways, what I have is what most other men and women have, which is the ability to get up in the morning and not have to think about all this stuff. If you're transgender, you think about this stuff all the time. It's a constant burden that you carry around. That may be hard to imagine if you're not transgender. But just because people can't imagine it, doesn't mean it's not real.

My Mother's Transvestites

By Tiff HOLLAND

[In The News]
PinkEssence

Looking for an up-to-date listing of TG friendly venues and activities in North East Ohio and surrounds? Looking for a group dedicated to planning and organizing outings and events for our TG community?

Your search just got a bit easier.

A new TG resource, PinkEssence, is on-line now, founded and moderated by AO's very own Social Director - Chloe Prince.

Their purpose (from the group's home page):

Upcoming November events include: Dinner theater in Akron - Singin' in the Rain; a TG conference in Erie, PA - The Lake Erie Gala; theater in Cleveland - Rocky Horror Picture Show; and numerous opportunities to get together with others at TG friendly restaurants, cabarets, and/or support meetings.

What are you waiting for? Check it out.

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“A smile is the chosen vehicle of all ambiguities.”

Herman Melville        

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[From the Archive]
La Femme Silhouette - June 1995

WHO'S ZOOMING WHO - Part I

By Deborah LEE

I am referring to a song that was on the airways a few years ago. In fact, I'm not sure who performed it. I think it was Aretha Franklin, but don't quote me.

The object of that observation is to put a phase to a condition that may or may not have a single thing to do with zooming. Let's face it. If I titled the article "Abuse, Self Induced," would you read it or just pass it off as some more bull from Debbie's head? Or ... Oh God, Debbie must have seen Dr. Feo again.

The Drama Unfolds
Well I did see Dr. Feo for ten minutes to let him know of my progress into taking responsibility for whom I am and leave the guilt, shamefulness, and abuse behind. You see, my boss knows about Debbie. I have been "en femme" at work for nearly two months now. Oh sure, the clothes are women's and they are rather non-descriptive, however, it is the way I will probably dress at work unless we need a suit for a "show'n tell" or "dog and pony show" that marketing and engineering managers have been known to throw now and then. When that time comes, we'll cross it. (That could be sooner than we think) I wear slacks and a blouse or a women’s "work shirt" that is fashioned much like a man's with the exception of right over left buttoning. Panty briefs, panty hose or tights, women's loafers, my long hair, and no makeup completes the outfit, for now. One could say my wardrobe is boring, but it’s a start.

I was full of anxiety on Wednesday, April 12th, the day after my birthday when I returned to work from a sick day. My allergies and perhaps the tension were a little too much for me. I wasn't planning to tell my boss for a while yet about my mode of dress. We have a "suggested" dress code in engineering and I don't believe I have spent two weeks out of the eight months that I have been on the job in that "suggested" dress. I have been consistent in my "bending," as in gender bending, the rules a bit since my first day. After all, I had been out of work for a year and I was interviewing as a woman a good deal of the time while I was pursuing gainful employment.

Dr. Feo and I had discussed several occasions about my work environment and how toxic it was at first when I got there. I didn’t believe for a moment that there was the slightest possibility of me, Deborah, coming out. With a lot of hard effort and sacrificed hours in the name of getting a project done, I gained the confidence of my peers. I guess I wasn't paying much attention to the fact that my boss was indeed, watching me. I was getting paranoid about wearing my feminine regime. I figured the people thought I must be gay or something else. (I guess I'm the "something else" at least I've been told by my sister on several occasions, "You’re something else." Do you think she knew something that I was too afraid to reveal?) I have never caught wind of a rumor spreading around about me but when you're steeped in paranoia, you think to yourself, "I am sticking out of the crowd like the proverbial sore thumb." It might be a little different if there was another woman in the immediate area, however, the only other woman in our department works on another floor for the time being, and the other two women on my floor are as non-descriptive as I am. There's something to be said about being a no one or the new person on the block, or in this case in the company. However, that was not the way it would be for long.

Sticking Out Like a Sore Thumb
A couple of weeks ago, I won the "Employee of the Quarter" award. This got me a $50 dollar gift certificate, which I immediately used for some more non-descriptive women's clothing, and a day off, which I'm not sure when I will ever be able to take with my workload. Well ... going on, (to paraphrase that wonderful blond bimbo who has just left the Presidency of Alpha Omega) I was in the spotlight. First, many people were asking, "Who's Doug?" Well I don't know! To solve that dilemma my boss caught me at a time when I had just got through showing him how to open and use a Polaroid camera. How was I to know he intended to take my picture? He did and then pasted it on the main bulletin board on the first floor for all to see. Oh, I know that person, the long hair, dare I say the word…freak? I was pleasantly surprised by the number of people coming up to me and congratulating me.

I heard many stories from long time employees who told me their tales of misery of how they have been there, ten, twenty or more years and have not won that accolade and I have only been there a few months and received the award. And what surprised me the most was their utterance about the fact that they understood why I received the award and did not begrudge my due reward.

What I am getting at with these tales is that people saw me, accepted me, and even respected me. This was the much-needed assurance that I wasn't slated to be removed from the premises in the near future. So if people were sincerely congratulating me and they were not put-off by me, maybe I 'm not so bad. My foot was in the door.

I believe surviving the limelight for even those couple of weeks of having perfect strangers corning up to you and saying "congrats" strengthen my constitution and I was able to muster up enough gumption (do you think that word carne from Forest Gump?) to spill the beans. I did have some confidence and I did know my boss behavior pattern was one of a very compassionate human being and I also know it was his recommendation that won me the award. I figured if there was ever to be a time or a person of authority that would listen to me (he's not only my boss but also a vice¬ president and probably the most powerful and influential person in the company), he was the one. So it went something like this ... (I'll use a pseudo-name to protect his identity)

The Disclosure
Debbie: "Ah, Bob. You would tell me if there were any rumors floating around the company about me, wouldn't you?"

Bob: "Of course I would, but believe me there's nothing derogatory or otherwise being said about you, except, that your doing a wonderful job for us."

Debbie: "I really appreciate all that you have done for me (to me, if I were on the receiving end of this statement I would be thinking, Oh God, they're giving the company notice) and I want you to know that I want a good working relationship to continue to form, so I would like to tell you something about me that would help you to understand me and maybe my actions. I feel that truthfulness is paramount in any relationship, working or otherwise. Bob, I am transgendered. Transgendered means that I have known, from my youth through now that I am different and I have different thinking patterns that most typical males. I have always considered myself as feminine, I have always dreamed or have done things that were characteristic of either a girl or a woman. I have suffered a great amount of depression in my life and I have paid for it in ill health and low self esteem."

"The seriousness of the health risk came many years ago when I suffered bouts with gastro-intestinal disorders such as gastritis, spastic colon, sever spasms, constant regurgitation of stomach acid and general ill health. I was nearly ulcerating and I don't even want to count the numbers of upper and lower GI series x-rays, colonoscopies along with gall bladder tests. All results pointed to extreme anxiety and depression. At least this was my diagnosis since I knew about what was going on within me. Denial, anger and self-hate were just a few of the causes of the symptoms. Did any of the doctor's pull me aside and said what is really going on? Did they say be honest, and then perhaps we can help you? No they didn't. I was put on a steady diet of Mallox, Gelusil and other antacids and sent home. Without the needed understanding there would be other more life threatening symptoms.”

"I ended up in cardiac care of three different hospitals on three occasions, approximately a year apart. After finding a medication that would stabilize my heart without me metabolizing the medication out of my system, I was allowed to go home. Each stay was about a week or longer and the bills had to have been enormous. The third time I landed in the hospital was after a session with Dr. Feo where I finally broke down the barriers of denial which kept me from being honest with myself so I could heal and start loving who I am. The floodgates of tears and emotions flew open and with it a lot of tension, anxiety, anger and hate. The next day I was in cardiac care." (This is not Dr. Feo's fault and I will be eternally grateful for that day.) "After a lot of tests my cardiologist said its time to go in and look around for what could be causing my arrhythmia and PVC's in my heart. It was heart catheterization time. After being ignored by staffers about telling me of the procedure steps, I went ballistic. After apologizing and informing me of the steps involved, the procedure was done and the results were that I had the heart of a twenty year old. This prompted the doctors to look elsewhere. It was discovered that I had enzyme and other imbalances that affected the heart by literally blocking the heart's rhythm. The stress I has experience throughout my life was killing me. I could not fathom committing suicide, but here I was, setting myself up for the "big one” – a heart attack or stroke."

I continued with some more history about my life of fighting myself and hating myself. Mostly due to the fact that I was ignorant of the mechanisms that the mind uses to suppress that which causes pain, which in the long run causes pain and/or tissue damage. I told Bob about my discovery of who I was and that I needed to heal by accepting who and what I am ... transgendered.

I was right about Bob. He is compassionate and understanding. He simply said, "you do good work and I enjoy having you here and I don't have a problem with it."

With this reinforcement of my belief in humanity, I talked a little about what I would need in terms of support. I also talked about the concerns I have for the feelings of others and my concern about any disruption that could rise up do to biases, ignorance and intolerance of others. I then gave Bob the book from IFGE called The Employers Guide to Gender Transition by Dana Cole. He started reading it immediately. I hope he will initiate a discussion to address any of his concerns. If he does not initiate the exchange of information, I will. I don't want to take the chance that don't ask, don't tell, for I need support and the higher up the corporate ladder that support is, the better it will be to know what is going on at that level. I know I will not flaunt my womanhood, look cheap or act in any other manner but as a professional woman. I would hope the others would do likewise. However, my manifestation of my acceptance of myself and outward expression of my gender preference will show up as dressing a little more openly feminine, perhaps the blouses more colorful, frilly. A little makeup and nail polish would probably be the extent of any outward changes. The rest of the changes will be internal, within. Acceptance will be a constant learning process for me since I have not had the tools or experience of compassion and love for myself.

Deborah Lee

(Part II will be included in the December issue)

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[Last Laugh]
DRESS CODE

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Publication Information

This newsletter is copyright 1998-2006 by The Alpha Omega Society. All rights reserved. Articles and information contained in this newsletter may be reprinted by other non-profit crossdresser organizations with advance permission of the author and provided a copy of the issue containing the reprinted material is sent to Alpha Omega within two months after the material is published and proper credit is given to author and source. The opinions or statements contained in this newsletter are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of Alpha Omega.

Contributions of articles are welcomed, but may be altered in the editing process, with the author’s intent retained, or may be rejected, whether solicited or not. Absolutely no sexually explicit material will be accepted or printed.

We will exchange newsletters with any other similar group. Send all correspondence to Alpha Omega, P.O. Box 2053, Sheffield Lake, OH 44054.