[Upfront] The Month
[Viewpoint] Covering
[Perspective] True Reality
[Around Town] Diane Frank's Musings
[Knock, Knock] Anyone There?
[From the Archive] Wheels and What Ifs - June 1992
[Last Laugh] Louise's Style Guide

[Upfront]
THE MONTH

Diane Frank brings us a new term to contemplate - covering - and writes about her around town and around world experiences too.

Some might say, “look into the mirror” to better know oneself. Chloe Prince suggests, look through the glass...into the “snow globe” for a deeper self perspective.

And, a blast from the past. Fourteen years ago, Deborah Lee reflected on the ramifications of reincarnation and we've reissued it for your rumination.

There's world-class statistics, humor and more.

Enjoy!

Elaine

[Viewpoint]
COVERING

By Diane FRANK

I’d like to introduce my gentle and not-so-gentle readers to a new term and use it to broaden a few horizons. Everyone knows the term “passing.” The term started, to my knowledge with light-skinned Negroes “passing” as white. The term has been taken up in the various gender communities to mean being taken as the opposite sex of what’s between (or was originally between) your legs. There are levels of passing of course. For some people passing is simply taking a walk and not having someone yell, “It’s a guy in a dress.” At the opposite extreme, you have “stealth” transsexuals who may well enter committed relationships with partners who have no clue about their past life. This goes in both directions, by the way as I’ve heard of this happening with both FTM and MTF.

The new term I’d like to introduce is “covering.” This showed up in an article in the New York Times by the gay Asian-American lawyer Kenji Yoshino back in January, although the term has origins dating back to the 60’s:

I find myself covering or not covering and experiencing the reactions in all kinds of things, knowing too much about women’s fashions and makeup for example. I was at a party once, and joined a conversation of a group of women about the local dance scene, something I’m well versed in. They were clearly taken aback that I was participating. And then knowing clothing lines, stores, sizes oh my. Not covering, pretending I don’t know causes amusing situations. I’m sure we can all think of times when we covered or didn’t cover and how it provided amusing or uncomfortable situations.

But that’s not what I really wanted to write about. Having just got back from India, I’m doting on my new saris and did some research about them. I discovered that there are hundreds of ways to wrap a sari, but the predominant style in India now is called the “Nevi.” What is fascinating about this, is that village, regional and caste styles of wearing sarees are being abandoned as being identifying. Wearing a sari wrapped Nevi style is a great social equalizer. It is, in other words, covering with a covering.

Thinking about what else I’m writing for the newsletter, there is a great lesson in the article that we should bear in mind as we consider people’s reaction to us:

I’d like to think that in India someday, those modes of wrapping sarees will be reclaimed in a society that won’t stigmatize a woman for the association a particular style suggests. And I’d recommend keeping the idea of “expression of their full humanity” in mind when we try to educate others about our lives.

[Perspective]
TRUE REALITY

By Chloe PRINCE

In my line of work, I’ve seen it all. My job requires that I go into customer’s basements, attics, bedrooms, bathrooms, sheds, offices – any place you can think. I have walked in on drugs, guns, nudity, sex, prostitution, incest, abuse, neglect, and animal cruelty. On a daily basis, I have heard, smelled, and seen what others do not want you to know.

I can be a tough critic on much of what I see, however, mostly I am a spectator - unbiased and nonjudgmental because I have no emotional interest or attachment.

My conclusion… most everyone is hiding something.

No matter what you think you know about someone, chances are you don’t know the half of it! And, it has been my experience that many of those people prefer to stay intoxicated on a shallow, “ignorance is bliss” all-night fraternity kegger!

What intrigues me most about this is not what I see or learn, but rather the public’s “knee-jerk” reflex to pull the rug over that which is embarrassing. (I have found that people make up the weirdest excuses for five-year-old cat waste on the living room floor.)

Why do people feel the need to offer perfect strangers explanations into their personal life? More pointedly, why do we feel the need to explain ourselves at all? Especially when it’s unsolicited. (Don’t our actions speak louder than words?) Where does this human response stem from? Do our parents, religious teachings and/or schools, instill it into us?

If your life were a “snow globe” and everyone could see inside in every direction and in every angle, just as it really is – with no restriction, nowhere to hide, completely open to the court of public opinion - would you be a different person, with different friends, living a different life, working a different job?

If you answered yes, doesn’t that bother you? It sure bothers me! And, this question is not just for the crossdresser, but also for their spouses/partners.

Would you rather live your life not knowing what others truly think of the real you? (If they don’t know the real you already.) Think about this question carefully. Would you really be able to handle the truth or are you happy just existing on what you assume others think about you? How would your life be different, knowing what others perception of you is? This is not a question about “outing” your personal vices to everyone, rather it is a question about the courage to accept what is your “true reality.”

In our society, perception is reality. But, not in our hearts, and certainly not the eyes of our creator.

Personally, I cannot accept not knowing whether someone accepts me conditionally. I cannot dwell in a locked closet of shame when I hold the keys to unlocking it for not only myself, but others alike.

This is a personal choice and not an implied choice for all. What works for me, works for me… not everyone.

Many of you know me, and you know my feelings about being as open and up front as possible about being “girlie” in all aspects of my life. Since blossoming into Chloe, I am constantly asked the same questions about how being “girlie” affects me, my wife, kids, employment, and others around me. Let me try to answer with a question in return.

I have the right to exist WITH difference from other men and women, so why should I have to dehumanize or desensitize myself so others can manage their acceptance or rejection of me? I choose to be part of something that’s bigger than me: An everyday ambassador going out and giving representation to the broad spectrum in which I fit.

I understand how my decisions affect society’s perceptions. However, it is my goal to help eclipse the perception of stigma and negative stereotypes by living every day with the dignity of “true reality.”

[Around Town]
Diane Frank's Musings

I’ve had a very, very busy weekend of it. I dropped in on Trans-family last Thursday as part of my liaison function. I have nothing to report from that, except that is was one of those evening where the female-to-male contingent seemed to outnumber the male-to-female contingent. A number of people made the long trip from Bowling Green just to make the connection.

I’m going to make an exception to my blackout on discussion of my temple. First, I was touched that a friend passed on to me a lovely necklace from an earlier time in her life, before her lover and partner passed. Second, our services that week were based around the holiday of Shivuot, the giving of the Ten Commandments. As is customary, one service a month is lay lead. BL, our service leader this week is very outspoken, very out, very funny, very butch and very dear. She spoke of a period in her life where she was angered by the whole idea of transsexual surgery. Why should God allow such a thing and not allow her to fix some very difficult problems with her body. Reflection on the Commandment “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ……” changed her mind and heart. I was personally touched that she said this while sitting next to her close friend who did have SRS.

I think this also bears on the problems of covering that I write about elsewhere, the general repression of people that leads to reaction, rejection, envy, covetousness and false claims of “special rights” by a large majority of people whose own lives and personal expression are suppressed.

Saturday night I was invited along to a benefit reading of local writers and poets presented at the Cleveland Playhouse. I learned something interesting. One of the selections was from a book we had read in my book circle. I remembered the selection well, it being one of the more dramatic sections of the book. What I realized was that despite how I noticed that section, the narrative voice in my head was flat compared to the vivid reading given on stage. It’s something to think about, slowing down when reading and giving full voice to the author. Walking with my friends to the reception afterwards, I had a chance to finally meet Plain Dealer Fashion columnist Kim Crow. I had initiated correspondence with her after she wrote a column on local drag pageants, and I’ve suggested that someday a make-over for someone in the T* communities might be a good feature. We both enjoyed being able to put a face to a name. Kim’s picture in the paper has her with Goth black hair, while she is presently, fashionably, blond. The piece of hers that was read was a very funny column about having wide calves and finding good looking boots that fit. As someone with other footwear issues I felt her pain. I didn’t get a chance to talk to Michael Heaton who I’ve also exchanged email with.

For those of you wondering about whether I “pass” in such a gathering, the answer is no. I was in heels, and wearing scarlet and black, and certainly stood out in the crowd as well as head and shoulders above it. But I was not bothered and I could talk to my friends and meet authors without a problem. I’ve made this point before, but not recently so it bears repeating- being engaged in the activities, in the context of the situation removes a lot of issues that we fear.

Afterwards we stopped a local nightspot where a band I like was playing and met another friend there. This turned out to afford me an opportunity to “come out” to a couple with whom I’d been “passing unseen” for some time (6 years or so). Again the issues seem to be first the assumption that I’ve transitioned or am transition tracked and second the assumption that Z and I must be separated. Getting past those is getting quicker and easier with practice. What also made things easier this time is that they knew one of the people with the group in the same context, and by being with her, some normalcy was presumed. I didn’t get to sleep till 3AM. And all this without going to one of those bars. One interesting conversation took place including the husband of one of the women revolving around the difference between his experience in being accepted as guy in essentially women’s space…it didn’t work, and mine, being accepted as whatever, which does.

But I had to be up early the next day as I’d volunteered to help the friend who invited me the night before with a benefit. Because there was a fashion show involved I took the opportunity to wear one of the saris I had just bought in India, especially since a sari is one of the few things I can wear and actually feel well dressed in. My assignment was to be companion for a woman who had opened her nearby and wonderfully decorated loft for viewing. It was felt that she shouldn’t be alone with people coming and going. I met the woman at the fashion show, accompanied her on a little shopping before returning to her apartment and by the end of my stint had made a new friend. And another friend with whom I’d been passing unseen dropped by the apartment. Since this person also shared the context with the people from the night before I came out to her as well. The conversation rapidly turned to simply catching up on each other’s lives.

Afterwards there were some dramatic readings of journals at a nearby bookstore. I found the readings moving and the political context appropriate for me.

I guess I’d summarize all this as saying that I continue to find growth and fulfillment in engaging some small part of the life I might have had, had I been born female. This has not been a rapid process, nor without mis-steps or pain or risk. It is most certainly not something I’d recommend for everyone. But my choices continue to enrich my life, our lives, and I hope that sharing this serves one of two purposes: If you a person dealing with issues of gender identity or expression, perhaps my experience of a middle-way may offer you ideas for possibilities to enrich your own life. If you are a person trying to learn about people like us, I hope my writing broadens your ideas about what is possible, especially beyond the tawdry and the sensational.

[Knock, Knock]
ANYONE THERE?

By Elaine Suede

I've been tracking La Femme Silhouette web statistics for the past twelve months and thought I'd pass on one result. The graph below represents monthly page loads starting with the June 2005 issue.

What's it all mean? Not sure, but it seems like the right trend.

[From the Archive]
La Femme Silhouette - June 1992

WHEELS AND WHAT IFS

By Deborah LEE

It’s been a long time since I sat at the keyboard to pound out my heart-felt (maybe head-felt) feelings… so I hope you enjoy the following treatise on why we are what we are.

I KNOW for some of us, the "why" of what we are - crossdressers - is not of any significance. However, there are a few of us who can't leave well enough alone. I am guilty of being inquisitive, analytical, scientific(?) and a time-and-space traveler on this mud ball called Earth. My investigations into my beliefs have led me here and there, sometimes successfully and sometimes by the nose into ruin. I would like to share one of those investigations.

Read on and make of it what you want.

I lived a number of years in an ashram under the careful guidance of an Eastern Indian master of the discipline of Raja Yoga^[1] (Kingly Union). Under the auspices of my guru, I learned and experienced many things. Hours, days, months, years of self-examination, prayer and meditations allowed me to experience some of the insights given through such a discipline. (I am quite undisciplined now.) After leaving the ashram some 14 years ago, I have had time to reflect on some of those lessons and experiences. Again, I must warn you I am not expounding religion here. I am about to discuss a philosophy and a possible explanation for us esoterics of the crossdressing culture.

In Yoga philosophy, the concept of soul (spirit) is one of unity as with many religions (the concept of Creator, Father, God). There is one and only one soul and this soul is primal, as we so rightly put it in our chapter name, Alpha and Omega, and is one without a second.

With me so far? We think ourselves separate from this primal soul due to our failed understanding that we were created from this primal soul. (There was nothing else to be created from.) This thinking leads to some curious reasoning for the way things are, especially with us.

In this philosophy, there is a phenomenon called karma. Karma can be thought as Newton's third law (I hope I'm quoting the correct law) - for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, (i.e. you reap what you sow). Karma is described as a wheel. If you are at the center of the wheel (enlightened person), you see all that goes on around you yet you are not moved. If, however, you are on the rim of the' wheel, you don't seem to move when you look to the center but look outward and woooh! An uncentered person is one who is living on the rim and thinks them self as unique. This perception leads to the "wheel effect." The wheel analogy starts when a person thinks they're unique. They then form attitudes about themselves and their surroundings. These attitudes cause the person to do something, something as simple as thinking. This thinking sometimes leads to an action. The senses step in to analyze and interpret the new set of circumstances, feelings and experiences, leading to new attitudes.

Now for an example: A child is told by their parent to stay away from fire because it will harm them. The child is inquisitive and remembers the instruction to stay away from the cookies because they are no good for them. I am going to play out the child's mind now. "Well those cookies sure did taste good, (How soon we forget the tummy ache!) so maybe this over thirty-something person is feeding me a line about fire. " See, the past action left impressions and the impressions formed an attitude. Guess what comes next? The child does the only thing a "Doubting Thomas" can do, they get burnt. Hey some more sensory experiences, new impressions, new attitude, as the baby on the TV show Dinosaurs says "Again! Again!"

Let's go on to a grander scale and instead of a momentary instance with the grossness of sensory impressions, we go on the subtle plane of subconscious impressions.

Now I'm going to lay "the big one" on you. This may cause some distress and I don't mean to make you uncomfortable but I am not expounding a belief. I'm only saying "what if."

What if there were reincarnation?

You are a woman in a past lifetime and in that lifetime you discover, through your intuition, perceptions, feelings, sensory input, nurturing, caring and unconditional love, that center - that eternal peace which envelops you and you are suddenly without care. Wouldn't you long for that experience again? I would. You find you're in touch with yourself and that this self is centered and capable of extraordinary things. The time comes to leave that experience and enter a new lifetime but this one, unlike the past, is hampered and restrained due to the fact you are a male. Those gifts which put you previously in touch with yourself are stripped from you. You are taught to be callous, to ignore the still small voice within. Your intuition is set aside and traded for a manly experience. However, as you are guided through the hallowed halls of manhood a mechanism, a safeguard, starts to fail. The mechanism is supposed to prevent you from remembering those past lives so that you can function in the present and not simply waste away your life yearning for something seemingly dead and gone.

Perhaps this return to a better day and those impressions and the freedom to be intimate with our most inner peaceful being brought us back so that it isn't lost in the mayhem of maleness. To get closer to that experience, we act out that form which we remembered and adored.

In yoga philosophy, though, this remembrance brought us closer to our true nature. It is not a end in itself since the impressions of a previous life are creating an action in this life which again creates more problems for the future. We are not getting to the center if we remain in the wheel of action and reaction. Ultimately we will remain unhappy.

This may sound like malarkey, a dime store novel or a science fiction work ready to be aired on Alfred Hitchcock Presents but I felt like writing about it. I hope it humored you, agitated you or whatever.

With love, your sister, Deborah Lee

Raja means royal or kingly. Raja yoga meditation is generally based on directing one’s life force to bring the mind and emotions so into balance that the attention may be easily focused on the object of meditation, or the Lord directly.

Generally, life force is directed to move up and down the spine until it is balanced and the mind and emotions are serenely content. Then awareness is generally directed to move forward into a point in the center of the lower forehead. This meditation point, which is about half an inch above where the eyebrows meet, is called ajna, or the third eye.

When the energy is balanced throughout the brain and body and easily moving forward in the area of the third eye, your mind becomes very calm. While your mind is not passive, it is free of meaningless thoughts, worries, and the bric-a-brac of the subconscious mind. This state usually gives you a very pleasant sense of well being and your mind seems filled with a velvety darkness.

As your consciousness continues to move in your third eye, pastel colors begin to appear in your forehead. Sumptuous, glorious pinks, yellows, whites, blues, indigos, greens, and purples take their turn or play in combination in your forehead. Then, you may think you are seeing fireflies, lightning, or moonlight as your life force becomes more concentrated and more actively prepares you to behold higher consciousness. This process is readying you to experience your true nature as pure consciousness, pure spirit, pure awareness.

And then the light in your forehead blazes brighter than the sun! But, you find it is soothing to look into the awesome light, soothing to behold it. This is the brilliance of your inner light, your essence, revealing itself to you.

Raja yoga, particularly, requires a teacher because it is easy to strain yourself, and it’s also easy to delude yourself into high level hallucinations rather than actual experiences of your higher consciousness. However, the genuine raja yogi lives in bliss, with his, or her, will surrendered to God.

[Last Laugh]
LOUISE'S STYLE GUIDE

{From the April 2006 issue of W Magazine}

Inspired by the memoirs of Marie Antoinette's dressmaker,
the Countess presents a primer in looking chic.

I've been doing a lot of research lately to find out how one becomes fashionable and well dressed, something I've been trying to achieve all my life.

The dressmaker to Marie Antoinette, Rose Bertin, had it right. In her 1779 memoir, she says (and this is a loose translation, even though I do speak a bit of French): ''The dressmaker's role was to give the women in the court of Louis protection against the cold, the dirt and the hardships."

Voila! Simplicity itself, as my dear mama always would instruct me on our shopping trips every spring and fall to Salzburg. When Madame Bertin gets right down to it, her real job was as a marchande de mode. I do love the expression in French. Can you imagine calling today's designers "merchants of fashion"? Ugh!

Madame Bertin was known as modiste de fa reine, the designer for the queen. It was her job to make women look seductive and sensual, and to make sure they dressed according to their class (how politically incorrect!).

Marie Antoinette dictated the way women should dress for various occasions, with different looks for daytime, for dinner, to receive a friend, to receive a priest, for promenading in the city, for walking in the country, for lunch at home, for lunch at someone else's home and on and on. (The garmentos of today would love this idea-everyone changing their clothes every five minutes. It would be great for business.)

But enough of French history! Let's get down to a well-dressed, fashionable woman of today. What are the rules now? Well, here we go.

ONE: Before you go out, stand in front of the mirror and do a 360. And then do it again. As Mama would always tell me, half the people see you coming and the other half see you going.

TWO: Never ask your companion what [she] thinks, because [she] is only thinking what it's going to cost in both money and aggravation.

THREE: There is nothing more glamorous than the right hat. Think of those pale, overly excited English ladies in India. They would wear those large-brim hats as their open carriages made their way through the heaving throngs. There is something mysterious about a woman in a hat, without dark glasses. After all, the first thing a man looks at is not a woman's bosom but her eyes.

FOUR: Accessories. Handbags are so huge today that women look as if they're carrying Vuitton trunks. And from what I saw of the collections for fall, bags are getting even bigger. Yikes! What are women keeping in them -- refrigerators?

Then there are the belts, which are now so cinched around the waist that they push out the bulge. A certain designer I know has belt mania, and one has to think it would be better to be beaten with them than have to wear them with every outht.

FIVE: Oh, this is really expensive--the face treatments. Botox, collagen, facials, a full facelift and, a la Carolyne Roehm, matching the color of your contact lenses to your dress. On the subject of makeup, anything is better than the early morning, of course (trust me, I know), but older faces caked up to a point at which they are without a wrinkle give the appearance of a woman about to have a stroke (see Botox, above). And teeth. Today many women's smiles have an unnatural sheen. White teeth are of course preferable to otherwise, but they shouldn't look like the White Cliffs of Dover.

SIX: Jewelry. There is talk of lifting one's earlobes to support the heavy gems. Why not just wear lighter jewelry? As Mother always said when I reached for another bonbon: Nicht! Too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing eventually.

SEVEN: Fur coats. Watch the cut. You could end up looking like King Kong or Conan the Barbarian.

EIGHT: Workout gear. Never my favorite at any time, as you know, but sweatsuits are definitely a no-no. They bring out the sags.

We're now at the end of this brief fashion primer. But as you turn from the mirror and walk away, remember what happened to Marie Antoinette and her favorite dressmaker. Madame Bertin didn't lose her head, but she had to flee France, never again to dictate fashion. Gone in a pouf.

-LOUISE J. ESTERHAZY

Alpha Omega is a non-profit social support group for heterosexual crossdressers and their wives or partners. Also, members from related organizations, helping professionals, and approved guests are welcome when cleared through Alpha Omega’s officers. We serve Cleveland and nearby Northeast Ohio communities.

Meetings are the second Saturday evening of each month unless a special event is scheduled that takes the place of the regularly scheduled meeting. The location of the meeting or event is only released to members or others with the approval of an officer. Members and visitors must be 18 years of age or older.

This newsletter is copyright 1998-2006 by The Alpha Omega Society. All rights reserved. Articles and information contained in this newsletter may be reprinted by other non-profit crossdresser organizations with advance permission of the author and provided a copy of the issue containing the reprinted material is sent to Alpha Omega within two months after the material is published and proper credit is given to author and source. The opinions or statements contained in this newsletter are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of Alpha Omega.

Contributions of articles are welcomed, but may be altered in the editing process, with the author’s intent retained, or may be rejected, whether solicited or not. Absolutely no sexually explicit material may be accepted or printed.

We will exchange newsletters with any other similar group. Send all correspondence to Alpha Omega, P.O. Box 2053, Sheffield Lake, OH 44054.

Want to know when a new Newsletter is available? Ask
to be included on our Newsletter mailing list.

Like the content? Want to see something different?

Send your newsletter comments to: Newsletter Editor