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[Upfront] The Month
[Perspective] Lemonade
[Trivia] In Pursuit - Part VI
[A CD Eye for the Arts] Elderly Crossdresser Watching Television
[Balance] What's next?
[The Gift] A special moment
[From the Archive] Tolerance versus Acceptance - July 1996
[Last Laugh] Oh #@*%#

[Upfront]
THE MONTH

Are there really any advantages gained by crossdressing? Diane Frank shares her conclusions, and they may differ from what you expect. She also writes about her experience at the Steel City Gender Conference held last Fall.

Gloria Fenton is back with chapter IV of her non-trivial journey, and then returns with her take on tolerance verus acceptance - which she wrote 10 years ago!

There's art, humor and more.

Enjoy!

Elaine

[Perspective]
LEMONADE

By Diane FRANK

A while back, I wrote a column in which I expressed my exasperation at the notion of “gender-giftedness.” Along with gender-giftedness there is a set of pollyannaish bromides about the advantages of having a trans-whatever husband. I have remarked in an on-line conversation recently that there aren’t any automatic advantages that come with putting on the clothes of the opposite sex. The desire to wear a dress doesn’t make a man automatically more sensitive, understanding and willing to do his share of the housework. It doesn’t make him less selfish, put him more in touch with his emotions or better able to express them. It doesn’t make him better able to balance priorities between job and family, more successful at his career, a better husband or father. If there are advantages they are things discovered and negotiated along each individual’s way.

That said, I prompted a burst of pessimism from people about how awful things must be and how little hope there is once the curse is known in a relationship. Ever the contrarian, I must insist that some of us do live long and prosper. So I’d like to count my (our) blessings with the idea that maybe you will find you have or can go after those same blessings yourself.

Relationships
We have met people we would never have met otherwise. I don’t mean just people in the queer communities, although there is a lot be said for that. We count among our friends gay and lesbian couples and individuals who we feel honor us by considering us friends. These are bright, humane, intelligent people who make this world a better place. Of course there are trans-sorts of people in the mix too, who grace us with their friendship. I should emphasize we’re not friends because they are GLBT, it’s just that we would have been unlikely to meet them otherwise. Surprisingly, we’ve found places in the general community we wouldn’t have accessed without my whatever it is as well. There’s temple, which is no longer just GLBT and there is my book circle. Both grow organically and lead to new friends. And within the family, there’s our younger son. Being rebellious and experimental he could easily have drifted away into sullen secrecy. But knowing that I’m not plain vanilla, that things somehow work, that his parents are still madly in love 30 years later he knows and has demonstrated that he can be open with us, share his life, including his mistakes and fears and not risk rejection. And for us, and probably uniquely us, there’s a balance in our relationship, a balance of weirdness that wasn’t there before.

Experiences
Again, there all kinds of things we’ve experienced that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. And no, I’m not talking about the bedroom at all. I’m talking about being hit on by a guy, the undesired attention and the obnoxious single-mindedness of it. I’m talking about being harassed on the street by men, and threatened with damnation by the terrorist advocates of a terrorist God. I’m talking about a funeral for a trans-man friend who died suddenly and mysteriously, and learning the details of his tragic life. And the wake for a famous local drag queen. I’m talking weddings and bar mitzvahs. I’m talking about fear, and the vulnerability of being seen as queer, or female or not male, being seen as other. I’m talking about taking female roles in community theatre. I’m talking about finding things inside myself I didn’t know were there, patience when needed, and the ability not to insist. And yes, I’m talking about partaking of queer culture, PRIDE festivals, community organization meetings, political events. I’m talking about books I’ve read that I wouldn’t have read otherwise. Even food I’ve eaten. And while I’m sure that if all this were taken away the vacuum would be filled by other things I’d cherish as much…all this is and continues to be worth cherishing.

Self-Realization
This is probably the area least likely to make sense or be useful to anyone else but…before I developed a second life as something approximating a woman, I leaked. I leaked bits of behavior and expression that are more stereotypically femme than not, and it put people off a bit. Perhaps it affected my work relationships. And not having any real outlet for that, the work environment depressed me. A round of chest-beating male dominance displays could sour me for long time. “Is that all there is? Am I stuck with this as my only mode of existence?” Knowing now that this isn’t all there is to life, to my life, to me has made a difference. I’ve got a space where I can step outside of all that; I’ve learned to look at it from the outside. Seeing the boys behave like boys doesn’t bother me the way it used to because I’m not stuck in it. Seeing it from the outside lets me negotiate my way through things better. And I don’t leak, because in part I’ve got appropriate places for those modes of expression, and in part because by separating them out and understanding them I have better control of my own expression and behavior. And I suspect that when my partner talks about the advantages she experiences, this is probably what she has most in mind, that the self-realization I’ve experienced benefits her.

[Trivia]
IN PURSUIT - Part IV

By Gloria FENTON

Knowing how much I looked like my wife, Sandy, and knowing I could wear her clothes, made me have several plans for when I went to my in-laws. Though I would be visiting my father-in-law and my parents, I knew, and I knew that Sandy knew, that my visit had other meaning. There was no way Sandy didn’t know that if I was in her parents’ home all alone, that I would dress as a woman all I could.

However, I doubted that Sandy would think that I would bring my own make-up and hosiery. Moreover, Sandy would not have suspected that I looked so much like her when dressed. Sandy would have never suspected that I would have gone out in public as her, as a woman. Because of all that, I planned to take full advantage of my time to have fun, that Sandy had made possible.

When I left to go to my in-laws, I outwardly looked like Martin. But under my male clothes were Sandy’s panties and girdle, and my pantyhose. I bought along another pair of pantyhose for good measure. On my first evening at my in-laws, I had dinner with my father-in-law, and then we sat and talked over a couple beers. He never suspected what I wore under my regular clothes.

My father-in-law went upstairs to bed at 9:00 pm, as usual. Sandy’s old first floor bedroom had been turned into a sewing room so I was to sleep in a new bedroom that had been set up in the basement. I knew my father-in-law would not bother me in the basement bedroom, or know of all Sandy’s things I had brought with me, or know that I would sleep dressed as a woman.

Once I was sure he was in bed, I went downstairs and took off Martin’s clothes. It was a risk, but I needed to feel more feminine. My bra, a nightgown, my wig, some jewelry, and my lipstick sufficed for what I needed. I knew I could look and be more complete as Sandy the next day, but for right then, I was already much more Sandy than Martin. It was a bit ironic that as I sat on the living room couch, I knew I had spent more time in Sandy’s prettiest nightgowns than she ever had. I sat on the couch, in the same spot Sandy had sat when I told her that I enjoyed dressing like a woman.

As much as possible over the next three days, I was going to be the woman of the house. I knew I was going to see myself many times in the living room mirror, in many different clothes. Though it had been awhile, I was very familiar with the house and where I would find all the pretty things I wanted to wear. Plus I suspected there would be a few new things, especially in Bernice’s closet, for me to explore.

I intended to have a whole lot more fun than Sandy could imagine, or would ever know about. It was so easy to let Martin slip away as I sat there as Sandy. I had another couple beers as I sat there daydreaming about my adventure to come. I wanted my time badly. Sandy had clothes there that I had not worn before, and that were too small for her to wear any more. I knew, too, that I would take advantage of Bernice’s things as well. It was going to be fun to check out Bernice’s bedroom again, and see what pretty things of hers I could wear.

Before going to bed I cleaned the ashtray and glass I had used so that my father-in-law would not notice my lipstick in the morning. I slept well that night. At 7:00 a.m. I heard my father-in-law leave for work as usual. As soon as he was gone, I slipped into a pair of Sandy’s low heels I had brought, and went upstairs for a cup of coffee. The sound of my heels on the hard floors sounded nice to me, and very soothing. It was the sound of the woman and I was. Without having showered and shaved, I knew I would look a bit silly, so I avoided mirrors. But, overall was not there. I sat at Sandy’s old spot at the dining room table as I had a cup of coffee to help me wake up, and it felt good.

Martin had to return to go and visit his parents that morning, but I would face that as I had to. After the first cup of coffee, I knew there was something I just had to do. I headed for Bernice’s bedroom. As I opened her bedroom door, I remembered the first time I had done it. I had been dressed in Sandy’s things then, too. Sandy telling Martin that she could wear most of Bernice’s clothes had led me to Bernice’s bedroom the first time. If Sandy could wear Bernice’s clothes, and I could wear Sandy’s clothes, then that meant Bernice’s clothes would fit me, too. And since Bernice had some very pretty dressed and skirts, much shorter than Sandy’s, I knew I wanted to wear them, too, and see and feel them on me.

Bernice’s dresses and skirts had fit my body well while wearing Sandy’s intimate things. Sandy may have been able to wear Bernice’s clothes, but never did, because of how short they were. I had no such problem wearing Bernice’s clothes, and had always enjoyed knowing I could wear shorter dresses and skirts than Sandy did. My legs looked good in Bernice’s clothes, and I knew they would look really good now that they were hairless. I also knew that my legs were prettier than Bernice’s. Bernice’s dresses and skirts fitting me had led me to go beyond just her outer clothing. Bernice was sixteen when I wore her intimate things for the first time.

I did try to be careful wearing Bernice’s things so as to not be too obvious, but one time I had suspected that Bernice knew I did it, though she never said a word about it. I suspected, too, that Sandy knew I wore some of Bernice’s dresses and skirts, but not her intimate things. With Bernice now married and no longer at home I had no fear of wearing anything of Bernice’s that I could get into. I was really glad to see that Bernice had panties, bras, and even her old girdle in her dresser drawer and I knew I was going to wear them. As I have already mentioned, I had by then explored the intimate things of a few other women as well without them every knowing it.

Martin got ready and went and visited his parents as he had to. By noon he was back at his in-laws and I was more than ready to take over. I showered and did all the needed shaving before I went back to Bernice’s bedroom with some of my own things. Soon I was standing there in Bernice’s panties, my new pantyhose, her bra, her girdle, and a pair of Sandy’s heels. Using Bernice’s dresser mirror, I put on my make-up and then my wig like Sandy’s hair. Bernice had a blue, knit, mini skirt that I had always loved wearing. A blue sleeveless top of Bernice’s went on next. I had seen Bernie in the skirt and top many times, but had not worn the combination myself before.

I sprayed Sandy’s favorite perfume on my wrists, added some of her jewelry, and put on my lipstick. It was time to head for the living room to see my full image. It had always amazed me how a few pieces of clothing could change my entire being, and I saw proof of that once more in the living room mirror. Suddenly it struck me that I was dressed blue, a boy’s color, but nothing about me had anything at all to do with being a boy. I did not look like a boy, and sure did not feel like a boy. I knew I had to try on even more of Bernice’s things while I still had the chance. It might be some time before I would have the opportunity to wear Bernice’s clothes instead of Sandy’s.

Though sisters, Bernice and Sandy did not really get along very well. I had long figured that Sandy didn’t mind if I wore Bernice’s dresses because it was, for her, a little revenge against Bernice. I had figured, though, that Bernice did know I wore her things, and because she never said anything about it, didn’t mind I wore her clothes. I even suspected that Bernice knew I wore Sandy’s things, and that Sandy let me do it. I benefited both ways in the tangle of secrets.

From the skin out, I had the clothes of two women to help me be a woman. The only real secret I ever kept from Sandy was that I knew Bernice’s intimate things on my body as well as I did hers, at least as far as her sister’s things. I always did enjoy knowing Bernice’s clothes let me wear dresses and skirts shorter than Sandy’s, and just as short as Bernice’s and so many other girls wore. Seeing me in that blue outfit, with my then hairless stockinged legs was real nice. To me it was a real shame that I had nobody to see me as the girl I was then.

to be continued...

Miss a chapter? You can find them here:   Part I   Part II   Part III

[Balance]
WHAT'S NEXT?

By Diane FRANK

One of the persistent themes in my writing is what comes next? After your first AO meeting, after your first anything, how do you fit whatever sort of crossdressing or TG-expression that is yours into your life?

So for a while I’ve been writing about my own experiences and experiments, publishing them here, organizing access to them on our website, and hoping that they’re useful to other people. I learned that two senior members of Transpitt were going to speak about their points of view on this subject at the Steel City Gender Conference in November of 2005. The talk was titled, "Crossdressing, Balancing the need to get out with safety, security, and family issues." I thought that having points of view other than mine about this business of what comes next would be worthwhile, so I made it a priority to attend.

I managed to drive down to Pittsburgh, get lost and arrive ½ hour late. Willa Koenig and Nikki Noble graciously gave me a copy of their well-organized speaker notes to supplement my getting there late. What follows is then a pastiche of my notes and impressions, their speaker notes and their gracious revisions to this article.

Clearly Willa and Nicki are old hands at this and their presentation in all pertinent senses of the word was polished and professional. They’ve been at this a while, and have accumulated life experience and observations that inform their positions. Since I got there late let’s start with their synopsis:

The first 10 minutes were devoted to Nikki’s introduction and her view on the normal progression of crossdressing. I’m going to reproduce her notes exactly here because I think they are so dead on and a bit funny:

Next, Willa covered what to do and what not to do in Pittsburgh. Of course, she advises to dress appropriately for the event. With regard to shopping and vendor relationship she advised cultivating relationships, knowing that sales people often get commissions and value repeat customers. Token recognition at holidays helps as well. For restaurants, high end is better and "family" restaurants should be strictly avoided. Willa particularly enjoys being visible at GLBT community events, the symphony and plays, and participates in fundraising activities and volunteers to support community programs. For people who are interested in exploring similar things in Cleveland, a review of our website will find safe arts venues mentioned. The GLBT center, newly renamed as noted in a previous newsletter article has numerous events and happenings that we can freely partake in, including the benefits and fundraising events Willa mentions. Samples of these are noted in our website and my various articles.

Nikki spent some time talking about her travels and the issues it has raised for her. Nikki feels more comfortable traveling because she understands that being read is not the same as being recognized. If you check ahead of time there are local groups you can visit. Many, like AO offer reciprocal meeting attendance, where a group officer’s recommendation can clear the path of time consuming screening interviews. Nikki also had advice about crossing borders, airports and of all things her experience in the Grand Canyon.

I arrived in the middle of Willa’s presentation on privacy and legal issues. Because the conference was heavily weighted towards TS concerns and some fraction of the audience were TS oriented people curious about the CD side of things, Willa noted that the stigma associated with crossdressing was different from that associated with transsexuality. Thus many CDs are in the closet. If I understood correctly, neither Willa nor Nikki are out at their own jobs, but Willa has done outreach presentations at other firms. Willa pointed out that the existence and involvement in local groups can lend legitimacy to individuals in the eyes of society and employers. Willa expressed the idea that being comfortable with oneself as a crossdresser is a huge asset.

Willa and Nikki both took turns dealing with family concerns. I was pleased to hear Willa’s candor, describing her own crossdressing as a "narcissistic pastime" that does take time away from family. So for the person who is working on having a life after the first time out the biggest challenge becomes having enough time for everything. Because going out in public is not with its attendant risks, taking steps to assure your spouse about your safety is important. You may need to compromise to work out a family situation.

Nikki continued on this theme talking about a scale of spouse acceptance. This was not the hoary old, sexist admonitory grading scale of Virginia Prince, but rather means of getting the CD to think about what they could expect at given levels of spousal acceptance. Nikki’s scale reads:

Nikki raised the interesting idea of most cases tending towards 2. grudging acceptance. From her viewpoint even spouses who starts out being supportive or enthusiastic can find their support lessening as time goes by. I think there is a sense here that early support can be framed in terms of a passing fad, like any new hobby....and when it doesn’t stop or go away, there is disappointment and support can fade. So again a compromise position needs to be found.

During the Q&A, some of the comments Willa and Nikki made may resonate with AO readers. While neither Willa nor Nikki want to transition, Willa finds it hard sometimes to go back to being a guy. On the other hand, Nikki found that after a period as Nikki she couldn’t wait to get back to being a guy.

[The Gift]
A SPECIAL MOMENT

From Gloria FENTON

Kathy and Martin recently were able to spend some time with some of family, and as always it was a very good and interesting time. The get-together was prompted by two happenings. The first event was a wedding. Kathy’s mother was the bridge. It was a very nice wedding, and Kathy’s sister Donna did a great job getting it all set up. As family arrived, we all helped with the last minute things to be done, and we were all happy for the chance to be together.

The other event was the annual sister’s get-together. This year was the seventh time for it to happen. Five of the six sisters were able to get together this year. Of the four sisters, besides Kathy, that were at this year’s get together, three of them definitely know about Gloria, and call me a friend. None of them have ever met me in person yet.

It has become tradition that each sister gives a gift to the other sisters. This year, for the first time, the gift exchange was video-taped, and Martin got to do the taping while other family members watched, including his two brothers-in-law. (They also know about Gloria.) The most unique part of this year’s gift exchange came as Donna was passing out her sister’s gifts, as she had a gift also for her brother that had helped her so much with the wedding preparations, and a gift for the sisters’ special friend, Gloria. My name was said for everyone to hear.

The moment passed very quickly, as Donna set Gloria’s gift off to the side, and the sisters went on with the get together. Other than possibly Kathy’s one sister, everybody else in that room knew who that gift was for, though. It has never ceased to amaze me know Kathy’s family has known all about me for so long before Kathy and Martin ever told them about me, and always respected and loved Martin for who he is. And it means so much that they have given me respect as well, for who I am, though never having met me.

Sometimes little things are the most special of all, and hearing my name was more special than anyone could imagine. And so, on the tape, my name is a part of Kathy’s family history now, and I admit I take pride in that. They are a family to be proud of, and I want them to all know how much Martin and I love them. As with many of my stories there are more aspects to tell, and I will do so at other times. For now though, I wanted to let you know about a very special moment for me, and about some very special people in my life.

Till next time...

[From the Archive]
La Femme Silhouette - July 1996

TOLERANCE VERSUS UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE

By Gloria FENTON

The past few years not only have I had my own experiences, but I have heard and read the experiences of many others who have dealt with loved ones or with what we broadly term "society." One lesson I learned the hard way is to not mistake or interpret tolerance as understanding or acceptance. Understanding and acceptance require knowledge and caring from whomever it is that we are dealing with. Tolerance does not!

A couple of times in my life I made the misjudgment of taking tolerance as acceptance. I was sadly, proven very wrong over time.

Synonyms for tolerate would be to permit and to allow, but also are to endure, and to suffer. The latter are not very positive, are they? Understanding and acceptance are not synonyms for tolerance, and never will be.

I don't believe you and I will ever see the day that society-at-large will understand or accept crossdressing, but we may see the day they will tolerate it. When the police stopped me back in February, the two police officers did not understand or accept the fact I was crossdressed, but they did tolerate the fact that I was, and gave me that consideration. It was greatly appreciated.

Understanding and acceptance, to me, are one-on-one, person-to-person things that only happen once there is knowledge and caring between two parties. Can you see society wanting to know all about us as a community, and then giving their caring to us? I don't! What I can see is society being informed enough that the prejudice is gone, and we are tolerated even though we are different.

I think, at times, we are so eager to find understanding and acceptance from others that we grab at straws to say we found it, when we really didn't. Just because a sales clerk was kind and helpful doesn't mean she would like to get together, have a cup of coffee with you, and spend an hour or two talking. And, could it be that when you went out dressed that it wasn't that you really passed, but just that nobody paid any real attention, or just tolerated you.

Don’t get me wrong. I would rather have tolerance than a "kick in the teeth" any day. But, I think we have to understand things for what they are, and not put misjudged labels on them. When you meet someone, and they casually ask "how are you doing?" Do they really care? Or, is it just a polite greeting, and they really don't want to know or care. Same basic difference as understanding and acceptance versus tolerance.

I think that as a community it might help us all if we stopped trying to get society to understand and accept us and instead work on gaining tolerance and the rights that are a part of it. Maybe our community should work on tolerance to each other, as well.

If it just might mean anything to anyone, let me know. I‘d really like to know what you think!

July 1996

[Last Laugh]
OH #@*%#

[click on comic to see full size]

Alpha Omega is a non-profit social support group for heterosexual crossdressers and their wives or partners. Also, members from related organizations, helping professionals, and approved guests are welcome when cleared through Alpha Omega’s officers. We serve Cleveland and nearby Northeast Ohio communities.

Meetings are the second Saturday evening of each month unless a special event is scheduled that takes the place of the regularly scheduled meeting. The location of the meeting or event is only released to members or others with the approval of an officer. Members and visitors must be 18 years of age or older.

This newsletter is copyright 1998-2006 by The Alpha Omega Society. All rights reserved. Articles and information contained in this newsletter may be reprinted by other non-profit crossdresser organizations with advance permission of the author and provided a copy of the issue containing the reprinted material is sent to Alpha Omega within two months after the material is published and proper credit is given to author and source. The opinions or statements contained in this newsletter are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of Alpha Omega.

Contributions of articles are welcomed, but may be altered in the editing process, with the author’s intent retained, or may be rejected, whether solicited or not. Absolutely no sexually explicit material may be accepted or printed.

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