September 2001

Masthead 2001

Karen’s Korner- Karen
Word from Diane- Diane Kent
Upcoming Programs
August Minutes
About SPICE- Cheryl
National Notices
MSNBC Investigates-Seeking Story Subjects
Creating Illusions with Light and Shadows-Sally Stone
Telling the Children- Want vs Need- Diane Vernon
Donna Martin- Tri-ess National Board Member
Alpha Omega Web Site Report- Diane Frank

Karen’s Korner

I have been meeting with some of the other groups in our area, and have invited them to come to the AO meeting in October. This is a very special meeting, indeed. Jane Ellen is coming from National to meet and speak with our chapter, as well as other Ohio group members. We are trying to get the groups together so that we can all work on many issues and establish ways to help each other.

We would also like to see our chapter grow. More members mean more resources -- resources we can use to have more functions, more entertainment at functions/meetings, and more comprehensive outreach programs for those in need. Our meeting dues are the means to make us a fully functional organization. They pay for our meeting room, special speakers, and can provide for a multitude of things that will enhance everyone’s enjoyment and utilization of Alpha-Omega and Tri-Es membership.

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A Word from Diane Kent

Have you ever wondered just what could happen to you in our legal system? What are your rights as a Crossdresser? Why don’t you attend the meeting September 8 th and find out. Our guest speakers that night will be two attorneys - Randy Barnabee and Debbie Smith. Bring your questions and they’ll supply the answers.

Meeting was called to order by Karen at 8/11/01 8:15 PM

Meeting Dates and changes:

Sept 8, Oct 13

Both November and December Meetings take Place on the First Saturday.

S.P.I.C.E. is a forum where our cares and concerns can be voiced and understood. There are separate discussion groups for men and womenas well as groups where everyone comes together. You will be able to let down your guard and discuss freely your problems with others that share common concerns. Everyone shares the same common secret, so it is easy to talk about it in this safe and secure environment. We learn to communicate, to set realistic boundaries that may be changed as we each grow and change during our lifetime, and we learn the importance of trust. We all come away with hope, love and renewed spirits. We gain strength for ourselves and perhaps learn to love ourselves more so we can love our partners more. The essence of S.P.I.C.E. was portrayed well by one wife who wrote the following letter (used with permission of the author) after she had attended S.P.I.C.E IX:

I have always marveled at just how radically I am able to change my appearance with the use of cosmetics. Recently, while applying makeup, I began to consider just how powerful makeup can be in changing one's appearance. What is it about cosmetics that can so radically alter the face to which it is applied?

Many of us have long or large noses and often this adversely effects an otherwise feminine look. Using makeup and its light reflecting properties, it is easy to perform your own inexpensive nose job. The ridge of a large nose is best covered with a shade slightly darker than the foundation. If your nose is wide, then the best way to mask it is by applying a darker shade to the sides of the nose, and using a lighter shade along the bridge. Whether your nose is long, wide, or both, its size can be reduced effectively by applying a lighter shade right along the crease of each nostril. This will highlight the fleshy areas surrounding the nose effectively reducing its size.

The lips too, may be enhanced when you use light and shadow effects. To create the illusion of larger more full looking lips, you can line the lips with a darker shade of lip color and then fill in the remainder with a lighter shade. If you use this method; however, be sure to blend the two colors thoroughly to prevent that unsightly lined look.

Telling Children--Needs vs. Want

by Diane Vernon

The SPICE program recently held in Cleveland featured a really good ’kids’ panel, presenting kids’ points of view regarding their cross-dressing fathers. A full spectrumwas represented: David, who has known ’Aunt Jane’ (Jane Ellen Fairfax, Board Chair of Tri-Ess) since a ’wee one’, as he put it (he’s now 16 and 6’5"!); Ari, whose world was torn apart at age 13 with the recognition that her father was also moving toward ’transitioning’ to become transsexual and all were subject to incessant publicity through TV and newspapers; and Sarah, who as a young adult (23) learned of her father’s other self.

So each of these three encountered the situation in very different circumstances. This spawned a good discussion (and which has generated this article) regarding what/when is best for children to know. For David, growing up with ’Jane’ was no big deal, as father Gil always was ’Dad’ whenever and however appropriate. Of course caution and common courtesy of ’advance warning’ were (and are) exercised when David wishes to bring friends home.

For Ari, the public knowledge, and ridicule of her friends during those highly uncertain, inflammatory, and often cruel’formative’ years were as close to hell as life can possibly become--especially when she loved her father.

For Sarah, who was married and a student of psychology, the finding became somewhat ’clinical’ and academic---but still brought forth denial, grieving, and anger before acceptance and reconciliation with her father.

So let me perhaps go out on a limb and offer these views for consideration. WHEN do you tell children? WHY do you tell children? Who has the need to know---do YOU or THEY have the NEED to know, or is it only you WANT---so that they understand the ’whole you’? While it’s possible to make generalizations, clearly in the end.....IT DEPENDS SOLELY ON INDIVIDUAL CIRCUMSTANCES!

Case One: Young Children at Home

Perhaps most would agree that if Fred/Freda has children at home under the age of puberty, there are two choices: hide all or come clean. Certainly respond truthfully if/when questions are asked. But again, it may very well depend on the maturity and personality of the children.

(And this scenario doesn’t begin to consider the other complexities of spousal involvement, knowledge, and expectant disapproval of that of extended family members such as grandparents and other in-laws). And we know all too well of embitterment, estrangement, broken relationships and divorce when ’Freda’ spills the beans----or worse yet, gets ’caught’ in the act prior to any civil and calm explanation.

Case Two: Sub-Adult Children

Perhaps most would agree that children in their early teens have enough to deal with in regard to their own emerging sense of self, sexuality, etc without dealing with Dad’s own gender-bending. But again, individual circumstances may warrant breaking the news. Girl children statistically probably can handle revelation better than boy children, especially in the later teen years. But again, is there really a need

for them to know, or rather a need/want for Fred/Freda to tell? If Freda is ’public’, or if Freda’s belongings are not kept very private and secure, then it is probably better for Fred to engage his children in an intelligent discussion on the subject of Freda...at an appropriate time. Of course this can happen with much higher probability of a positive outcome if Fred has developed a good rapport with his children over MANY years. But----there is still the very real possibility of a NEGATIVE outcome, and Fred/Freda must weigh the consequences of being distanced from his children.

Case Three: Adult Children

When children are adult, and either still living at home, or are geographically close enough to visit frequently, or they or their friends might encounter ’Freda’ out and about by chance, or catch mis-directed email, then ’telling’ may become desirable. Again, if a good

communicative relationship has been in process for a long time, then it is possible that a positive outcome can result. But there is still a risk of ostracism at this point.

Certainly in Sarah’s case she had the capacity to deal with the many emotions and fortunately emerged eventually in a positive way. But when

your adult children are partnered, the situation becomes even more complex----the partners themselves do not have such a history or emotional involvement as the child of the cross-dresser, and may very well not reach the same level of acceptance. This can of course cause great commotion and consternation in your children’s relationships.

Blended families, with natural and step/adopted children add yet another complexity to the situation of what/when/who to tell. My wife’s adult children know about Diane and are accepting----but I’m not their father. My own adult children have not and do not know about their father/Diane as far as I know. Do they need to know about Dad’s ’other self ’ and wardrobe? If the children are geographically distant and only visit occasionally (as are mine), I would contend that they have no ’need to know’. But again, if they were to ask a question, I believe I should answer honestly. I have made provision with my personal papers, should I and my spouse simultaneously meet an untimely death or incapacity, that there is a ’letter of explanation’ concerning Diane. Further, if I pre-decease my wife, she is instructed to make ’Diane’ disappear. Why? I have a very warm, close, and loving relationship with my adult son and daughter, talking with them very frequently over the miles which separate us. While I feel that they may understand, especially with intelligent face-to-face discussion, there is the possibility that their respect for me as their father, our relationship, and my relationship with their partners, will be compromised.

In this case, I truly do not believe that there is a high enough probability of ’reward’—them knowing Diane—which warrants the risk! Of course, feelings and circumstances are never truly frozen in time, they change, and it is certainly possible that my feelings on this subject may change in the future.

There is a legitimate argument that many of you/us may have against the foregoing, however. In many instances adult children would say ’why didn’t you tell me, didn’t you feel you could trust me with your secret, etc’? Or others may say ’I’ve known for some time and have been waiting for you to discuss it with me’. Fortunately, in this case today’s adult children (up to age 40) are far more able to deal with gender issues than ever before, with much more awareness of cross-dressing than even we or certainly our parents had during those years.

However, that STILL does not make acceptance a slam-dunk proposition. There are still far too many situations where estrangement/ostracism exist when cross-dressing is revealed. So in the final analysis, is there a true singular answer of what/when/who to tell? NO. It depends on individual circumstances, and those do change. What is truly important is to carefully identify NEED versus WANT. WHO has the need and WHO has the WANT, and whatever the thoughtful decision, approach it HONESTLY and be prepared to deal with the CONSEQUENCES.

RISKS versus REWARDS. Sometimes the outcome is POSITIVE......But sometimes it is NEGATIVE. To each their own, and I hope this article has generated thoughtful controversy and controversial thought!

Email: djmtris@aol.com

We have grown from less than two-hundred members in our earliest years into thousands, today. So, I am a very busy girl, but have never regretted a moment of the ’time’ involved. The "Society" was there for me when I most needed it, and I want to insure that it is always ’there’ for all others in the future!"

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