August 2001

Masthead 2001

Minutes

KATHY & MARTIN’S COOKOUT

NATIONAL NEWS

MY SUMMERTIME HURRAH!

WHY WOULD A MAN WEAR A DRESS

GROUP THERAPY IN COLUMBUS

Minutes

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 (a NON-DRESSED UP event)

When: SUNDAY, AUGUST 19, 2001

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National News

TRI-ESS UNDER CONSTRUCTION
All things change in order to survive.  So is Tri-Ess.  Within the last couple of years, we've seen the National Board add new members and old members leave.  Carol Beecroft and Virginia Prince have gone emeritus.  Dana, Cheryl Seymour, Geri Buchanon, Kim Nolen, Doug Murray were added.  Mel and Peggy Rudd resigned active positions to go on the Advisory Staff.  Thus has the Board Membership changed.

Even the Departments have changed.  The Department of Spouses and Partners is no more.  Instead we have expanded into the Department of Family Support.  Within this Department are currently two Divisions - Division of Children's Support (headed by Ari Seymour) and the Division of Spouses and Partners.  A third Division is in the plans.  This Division will handle the needs of parents and siblings.  The focus of each Division will be support and education for those that come in its domain.  Included in this will be such programs as Crisis Intervention, Online Forums, and SPICE.
 
We are working on databases that will include not only internet resources but local resources also.  Databases have been set up for speakers, for Caring Friends, and for the CDSO.  A Department Financial System has been put together and first used on SPICE 2001.  A new membership packet is being put together that will include basic resources such as lists of recommended books, articles, websites, forums, etc.

Although SPICE is a very important part of Tri-Ess, it is ONLY four days out of 365.  Those of us in the Department of Family Support are cognizant of that fact and are striving to bring to SO's and families help for those other days.

Inclusive of these Divisions are the Program Coordinators:
  Program coordinator (Catherine) handles such details as working with the hotel for SPICE and for making travel arrangements for those attending.  She will work with the hosting chapter on the program and will maintain the speaker database.

The Outreach Coordinator will handle mailings to helping professionals and Crisis Hotlines.  She'll recruit helping professionals and maintain their database.  She will also network with chapters on department activities and promote Family Support activities such as SPICE at major conferences.

The Cyberspace Coordinator (Mary Frances) maintains all Family Support-related websites and forums.

Correspondence Coordinator (Evelyn Kirkland) handles the Hotlines, corresponds with new Tri-Ess Partners and previous SPICE attendees.

Chapter Coordinator (Kim Nolan) works with the host chapter on the Hospitality Room, Wednesday night reception, evening entertainment, excursions and meal planning.

Publicity Coordinator handles all publicity for SPICE (brochures, flyers, registration forms and schedule of events.  She gets these materials out to chapters, helping professionals, etc.

Finance Coordinator maintains the budget, works with the Tri-Ess Fundraising Team to procure grants, encourages fundraisers in the chapters, and oversees SPICE bear raffles.

Leslie as Editor of the Sweetheart Connection publishes our quarterly newsletter.  Containing articles written by many of our wives and partners, it has become a wealth of information.

Finally, Doug Murray - our Tri-Ess Liaison.  Doug attends the Family Support Board meetings so that he can provide insight on pertinent Tri-Ess issues and communication between the Board and Tri-Ess.

This is the new Department of Family Support!

             Welcome!
             Cheryl Seymour

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MY SUMMERTIME HURRAH!
By Miss Sally Stone

I love summertime but unfortunately, the summer months tend to impede upon my crossdressing activities.  For one thing, the kids are out of school, and because they don't know about my crossdressing behavior, I have to cool it.  Additionally, the high heat and high humidity wreak havoc with a crossdresser.  A wig and a girdle can help to rush the onset of heatstroke, and unfortunately, I need those things to help enhance my feminine image.  Moreover, if you've ever tried to crossdress when the thermometer is hovering around 90 degrees, you know that the life expectancy of full coverage foundation makeup can be measured with an egg timer.

Consequently, this summer I rang out the crossdressing season with an adventurous outing.  My wife and the children were visiting family in another state, and this gave me the opportunity to do the town one last time. 

Because of the timing, I had to plan my outing for a Sunday.  I generally avoid the weekends because of the crowds, but unfortunately, I had no choice this time.  I rose early, shaved and showered, and then I did my makeup.  I chose a new red suit and matching pumps for my outfit.  Given the fact that it was Sunday, I felt I could easily get away with overdressing.  My guess was that I would easily blend in with the after church crowd.  I coifed my long blonde wig, applied a set of long red acrylic nails, and checked my purse for the proper items.  When I left the house, the sun was shining brightly, but the temperature was still a reasonable 75 degrees. 

When I hit the highway, it was just nine am.  I drove to a nearby Target because even on Sundays, it opens at 8.  I shopped for some makeup, and then I looked through their book section.  The store wasn't very crowded at all, and I moved around comfortably.  When I did finally check out, the cashier, a nice young lady, never showed a hint of discomfort by my presence.

My next stop was Barnes and Noble Bookstore.  It had just opened when I arrived and once again, there wasn't much of a crowd.  By the time I took my book purchase to the counter however, things had hanged decidedly.  As I stood in line waiting my turn for a cashier, a man to my right was eyeing me intently.  I tried my best to ignore his stares but he was beginning to make me uncomfortable.  I was happy when I finally made it to the cashier.  The young man was very polite and even addressed me as ma'am.  I don't think he realized that he made my day.  As I headed for the door the staring gentleman was still staring.  I wonder if he was reading me and wondering why I would dress this way in public, or was he infatuated with me?  Since I didn't know for sure, I assumed the latter.

My last stop was the coffee shop across the street from the bookstore.  I pulled into the parking lot and scoped out the place for crowds.  Business was certainly picking up and I nearly talked myself out of going in.  Setting aside my nerves however, I grabbed my purse and headed for the front door.  Just as I reached the door, the manager opened it and greeted me warmly.  I felt a little uncomfortable because I positively towered over this guy.  Never the less, he was extremely friendly. I stepped to the counter to order coffee and a cinnamon scone. two young ladies waited on me, and one of them initially did a double take when she first saw me. After that however, they both were extremely polite and relatively nonplussed. As I drank my coffee heading towards home, I was thrilled that my last hurrah for the crossdressing season had been such a wonderful experience. Every person I had the pleasure of meeting was friendly and polite and again, I was amazed (happily so) that most people didn't seem to be freaked out or particularly bothered by a crossdresser in public. I can't wait until the weather grows cooler and the kids are back in school. Until then, however, I have a fond memory of a wonderful day to tide me over.

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Why Would A Man Wear A Dress?

 by Lucy Stone

Probably the first question everyone, both CDs and spouses ask is, "Why would a man want to cross- dress?" I know that is the first question that I asked myself when I first became aware of my desire to cross-dress. Being a Scientist. I immediately looked for the root cause and quickly learned d that while there are many theories, the cause is not known However, the fact remains, I have a strong desire to wear women's clothes and have had it from my first recollections as a small child. This is not something I wanted and like most of us, it is something I would not have chosen. But having accepted myself I very much enjoy the bright colors, varieties of fabrics and jewelry that afford me the freedom of expression and pure defight that I get from my Lucy clothes. Is this really much different than much of the enjoyment that genetic females get?

Some of you may reply that one of the major reasons that genetic females wear attractive clothes is to app e al to men. T rue that is not one of my reasons. I am very much a hetero sexual male, and I have never wanted anything but my Don clothes when I wanted to be s sexually attractive. However, none of us, either men or women, want to spend all of our time attracting the other sex. As we get older, we spend more time pursuing other goals, but more and more as time goes by, we want to wear clothes that appeal to us. I am not satisfied with the limitations deemed appropriate for my sex any more than most women would be if they were limited to wearing dresses all of the time, as they were during the first part of the last century.

Perhaps you may be thinking that society says it is all right for women to wear bright colors, but men are supposed to dress in keeping with their supposedly stoic nature. However, this certainly is not the desire of many men. Various studies have shown that a large number of cross-dressers exist worldwide. Estimates have ranged from three to eight percent of males in developed countries, and some therapists say that in particular groups such as retired upper middle class males, the percentage maybe much higher. No one knows how many of us there are because many cross—dressers stay in the closet. If less inhibited perhaps many more males would enjoy and wear many of the garments they now shun publicly

Even though I was wrapped in a blue blanket and conditioned from birth to "be a man", I and many others still enjoy women's clothes not only when they are being wom by the fairer sex but when I am wearing them. So what could I do once I realized that this desire wasn't going away? My first problem was to accept myself and to be honest with my spouse. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Fortunately, I told my wife as soon as I realized this was part of me. However, I felt a deep guilt for years, and periodically purged everything The result, each time, was that I became withdrawn, harder to live with and both Joan's blood pressure and mine would go up.

Fortunately, Joan did not give up on me, and we both tried to understand and work through the problem.  We came to realize that, while we were conditioned by society for our reproductive roles, we each had a broader range of interests and needs. And many of our desires were not that much different from each other.  We both dearly love our roles as lovers, parents and grandparents.  We love romantic evenings together, and we love to do most of the things most couples do.  We both love wearing pretty dresses, and we both spend the majority of our time in casual shirts and pants.  And we both love pretty jewelry.  Are either of us basically really that much different from each other?

Because we are now retired, we have the good fortune of spending much of our time together.  True, I often accompany Joan as Lucy, but more often I accompany Joan as Don.  My mode of dress is conditioned by what we are going to do, and each day we decide together how we are going to dress.  It is important to me to pass when I am cross-dressed, not because I want to be a woman. Rather, when I am dressed in my favorite clothing, my Lucy mode, everyone including Joan and me are more comfortable that I am being perceive as a woman.  This permits us to go about our business without spending all of our time explaining cross-dressing, and I get to wear the clothing and jewelry that is most desirable to me. 

But wait you say, what is in it for Joan?  I am certain she will tell you that she has a husband who is most appreciative for her love and tries to reciprocate by being attentive to her needs.  And she has a husband who loves to be with her, and do things with her.  We have lots of fun together, and it is not dependent on how I am dressed.  Joan remarked recently that she sometimes has to turn and look at me to see how I am dressed before she addresses me by name, either Don or Lucy.  Other wise, as she pointed out, I am the same person.   We have found the silver lining in the cloud that once cast a long shadow over our lives, but we both wish only that we had found it sooner.

Note from Joan: I agree with what Lucy has said.  However, I would like to add, that many of you will remember the difficult time women had in fighting for the right to wear slacks and many of the articles of men's clothing we take for granted today.   Not only did we have to fight the men, but there were many women who did not feel we should be doing this.  The advertising community, in order to sell more clothing, has really done a number on all of us.  Some of you younger ladies will probably not remember the bra burnings and other arguments for the right to dress as we please.  It was a tumultuous time, but we made it through and things have evened out.  Hopefully our husbands will also be able to have some of the feminine clothing without having to go to the public forum to fight openly for them.

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Merâl Crane- Group Therapy in Columbus

Alpha Omega can’t address every issue in your life. There may be aspects to your crossdressing, sexuality and/or life experience that need more help than your sisters can give. That’s the point where you might want to consider professional advice. We’ve got a selection of counselors familiar with gender identity and sexuality issues listed in our web site. But if you’re even more nervous about seeing a "shrink" than coming to an Alpha Omega meeting, the following should set you mind at ease.

I met Merâl at a Transfamily presentation she did with several other therapists. We had a very pleasant chat, and during the course of her editing the blurb I wrote about her (this is available on the website but never appeared in the newsletter), she suggested that I drop in on one of her monthly group sessions. She had two reasons for this. First she thought I’d like to see what went on and write about it, and second she thought one of her clients would like to meet me. Being interested and flattered, of course I accepted.

Snuggled in the spacious basement den of an inconspicuous suburban Columbus home, Some 25+ people arrived during the course of the evening. People introduced themselves around the room, and there were no demurrers when I explained that I was there to write about the meeting, but I’d participate as if I was a regular. The session seemed to have two parts to it, one a discussion of the external details of a transgendered existence, and given the composition of the group it was mostly focused on issues of transitioning. Documents, name changes, licenses, identification and so forth were discussed. Of more interest later were the issues of personal perception, self-confidence, and how the world looks to you on any given day. Relating your problem and hearing how other people have dealt with similar issues can be reassuring and save you some work.

Regretfully, I had to leave the meeting to spend time with the person who Merâl wanted me to meet and I missed most of that discussion. But Merâl graciously allowed me to come back to a second session, to hear more about problems. Although crossdressers and transsexuals come from rather different places, some of the issues are common. Divorce, unfortunately is one of them. Those CD’s who choose to venture out in public share the same concern as transsexuals about "passing" and acceptance, albeit transsexuals must deal with the issue on a 24/7 basis.

What struck me most about these discussions was in fact how ordinary they were. From my perspective, being a guest, what was extraordinary was Merâl’s ability to facilitate the discussion. The kind of psychotherapy that she practices demands this skill. "Reality" or "Cognitive" therapy have as their premise that much of our difficulty in life lies not in what happens to us (reality), but the stories (cognition) we make up about the things that happen to us. We tend to over interpret and over process, seeing things as better or worse than they really are, and often making problems worse by our reactions. People tend to cling to the stories, to be invested in their interpretations of the events in their lives. Because of this, a therapist needs the insight to tease apart the events from the person’s story about the events and then a tactful but persistent approach to engage the person in seeing other possible interpretations of events. An example of this was her gentle suggestion to a person who seemed to be having difficulty planning, but rejected the idea of engaging an objective outside financial analyst on the grounds of great prior management consulting experience…"remember its the cobbler’s children who go without shoes".

Strongly emotional issues such as divorce are apt to engage a great deal of interpretation and misinterpretation of experience. An outside perspective can help tell fact from fiction. Similarly, the intense self doubts about passing and concern for other people’s perceptions can generate stories that differ from the truth. An example of the passing issue occurred to me on the way home from the group therapy session.

I stopped at K-mart pick up some makeup, knowing from past experience that at 2 in the morning you can walk in the store naked and the employees are too zonked to care. Two rather short guys caught sight of me, and sidled up behind me for a few minutes in the check out line. Since I’m 6’2"⁺ in stocking feet, their curiosity could simply have been because I was tall. Being tall I’m always interested in tall people in general and will close the distance to get a better look. So one story I could make up is that they were checking out the tall, good-looking lady. The other, of course, is that I was "clocked". I don’t know the truth. But consider that it would feel rather nice to be admired for being tall and good looking, and feel terrible to be clocked and laughed at. The story I make up, rather than the unknown facts of the matter could have a great deal to do with how I felt both at the time, and afterwards.

I took home a number of messages from this group. First, as one of the members emphasized, this is PG rated stuff. Second, there is nothing particularly remarkable or different about a group therapy session for T* issues than for other issues, in fact ‘other’ issues predominate. Third, even if you’re just there as an observer, you can benefit from the session even if you didn’t expect it. Finally, if you have doubts or concerns about seeking help that you need, you can put them aside. Help is there and there doesn’t appear to be any downside to getting it.