I wrote this talk for a panel presentation in late July 2003.  The talk was sponsored by Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) as a means of testing a new format for educating PFLAG members and member of the general public about transgender issues. Readers should be warned that the issue of sexuality in context of crossdressing, and who exactly should be counted as transgendered and why are discussed here.  My opinions run counter to those of many people...however the feedback from the July presentation was uniformlly positive.  Read at your own risk. Comments are welcome....and I'll try to respond.  You can guess what I'll do with flames.--- Diane

Notes for July 26^th PFLAG Talk-

We are here at an auspicious time. The US Supreme Court has made it clear that it is not a crime to be gay or lesbian, and thus that PFLAG is not an organization that dedicated to supporting criminals. I confess I was totally surprised by the decision from this court, but I welcome it with all my heart. This meeting originated from a desire to make PFLAG more inclusive, that is to include a category of people called transgendered in PFLAGs traditional support of lesbians, gays and the people in their lives, or who have them in their lives. For this additional focus I and many other people thank you. You have already heard a "transgender 101" presentation describing a huge range of identities and behaviors that the term covers in popular use. You have also heard some people describe their life experiences as a transgendered person. The speakers you have heard thus far are members of a category commonly called transsexual.

I’m not a woman, or a transsexual, although if you thought I was I’m grateful and flattered. To use labels, which I hate, I’m a heterosexual crossdresser. I have to tell you that I truly dislike being up here, identifying myself by these terms. I prefer to simply be Diane to the people who know me. However, my name is Diane Sofia Frank. I’m the director of communications and outreach for the Alpha Omega Society, and I have a job to do. So I’m here, despite the discomfort it causes me.

Telling you that I hate being identified as male is about as far as I’m going to go in describing my own experience. I have a unique position in the transgendered world of being in a cat-bird seat, being able to see many aspects of the place in ways that people who aren’t professional or who only meet one person or hear one story can’t. What I’m here to do is to talk about crossdressing..in particular, heterosexual crossdressing, .something that falls short of being transsexual. Despite the composition of this panel, crossdressers probably outnumber transsexuals at least 10 or 20 to one. So I’m going to talk a little longer to make up for our limited representation here.

Crossdressing is an awkward category and the following recent quote illustrates why:

Amy Bloom 2002- For the record Ms. Bloom is a practicing psychologist, mother, award winning fiction writer and an out bisexual woman presently living in a lesbian relationship. These remarks appeared in an article in Atlantic Monthly last year and in a recently published book titled "Normal".

I find these remarks to be an accurate observation of how the world views the category of people I’m speaking for today. But here, among the Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, I’d like to confront what Ms. Bloom has said head-on...both the parts that are true and the parts that aren’t. Because what being lesbian and being gay is about, is about sexuality...and if we can’t talk about sexuality here then where can we talk about it?

I’ll make one more personal remark. If you believe Ms. Bloom, I’m having a sexual experience by standing up here in front of you. Take my word for it that I’m not. Nor is being here foreplay or part of some kind of sexual game for me. I’m here because I think I have something to say that other people can’t or won’t.

But back to Ms. Bloom. While she isn’t right about every heterosexual crossdresser, she’s certainly right about a great many of us. So I want to ask you this- you are all friends and parents of Lesbians and Gays- This means that you don’t in particular have a problem with what your children, friends family etc., do in their bedroom. You probably don’t have an issue with your near and dear ones holding hands, hugging or kissing in your presence or doing so in public any more than you have with heterosexual couples doing the same things.

We swim in a sea of heterosexual expression. Every billboard and every television commercial exploits our sexuality in an attempt to sell us something. Our popular songs are, as ever, a continuing expression of lust and desire. And if this doesn’t give you pause, think about parts of the world where an unmarried woman being seen in the company of a man outside her family causes her family to kill her. Realize that our acceptance of sexuality is based on nothing more or less than what we’re used to- not what is right at some fundamental level. So, while many crossdressers aren’t engaged in a sexual act, don’t show up with a gleam in their eye, I ask this question on behalf of the ones who do: Why is their sexuality any less acceptable than the straight couple lip-locked in an embrace to sell a breath freshening chewing gum, or the couple, gay or straight strolling down the boulevard arm-in-arm?

So the first thing I’m saying that I don’t think anyone else will say is that if PFLAG is extending support to the transgendered community, and if you include crossdressers in that community, and if you accept the sexuality of the gay and lesbian people in your life, then you should accept the sexuality of those crossdressers who crossdress for sexual reasons. I can assure you that just like the gay and lesbian people in your lives, and the transsexual people in your lives, crossdressers did not ask for this condition. Your hearts and arms should be open to those who live or strive to live with grace, dignity and a bit of a sense of humor regardless. If we draw a line in sand for crossdressers, and on one side is good sexuality and the other side bad sexuality, we are only repeating the crime committed against gays and lesbians in a different part of the sandbox.

I want to back up here and define my terms-

A crossdresser is someone who willfully, repeatedly, voluntarily wears clothing of the opposite sex without external compensation. Let me repeat that: A crossdresser is someone who willfully, repeatedly, voluntarily wears clothing of the opposite sex without external compensation. I’ll break this down-

Willfully means that they know what they’re doing. They know the clothing in question is for the opposite sex. Repeatedly is self-evident. One time counts for nothing, nor does the occasional costume party. Voluntarily means that there is no coercion involved, no lost bet, no missing clothing, no daring escape plan. And without external compensation means that the person isn’t doing it for money or applause but for some reason that comes from deep inside. Please note that I’ve said nothing about sexual orientation or sexuality, or how much clothing is worn, or how often or where.

The second thing I want to say, that you won’t hear from anyone else is that not every crossdresser is transgendered. Should I wait a second while you pick yourselves up off the floor or should I be running for the door ahead of a lynch mob? Not every crossdresser is transgendered. How can I say that you ask?

The answer from my perspective is simple- being transgendered requires at least one of two things- seeing oneself as not fitting the gender role requirements assigned on the basis of your sex or having other people see you as not fitting the gender role requirement assigned on the basis of your sex. But I’ll define things a little more: a person who crossdresses only because it is an erotic expression is not transgendered anymore than a person who has an affection for shoes, rubber or bondage. The vast majority of men who crossdress fall into this category. While they may be a bit concerned about their sexuality, they are in no sense uncomfortable with being men otherwise. They are not drawn to being women in any other way than a bedroom fantasy. Their expression may range from wearing a single item of women’s clothing to going fully dressed to bars that cater to that sort of thing, even to having sex with men or other crossdressers. Some will tell you that of course they are boys, and that they do this only for fun. Their testimony should not be mocked or discounted. Others may tell you that yes, they are transgendered, although you don’t believe them, your eyes and ears and heart say otherwise. You may think that a given person is self-deceived or simply trying to avoid the stigma of a sexuality that the public neither accepts nor understands. But again I urge you not to mock or discount their testimony. Even if they aren’t transgendered, I think that PFLAG should be just as supportive and accepting of the responsible, loving decent people who fall into this category as of gays, lesbians, transsexuals and transgendered.

Here is the third thing I’m going to say that I don’t think you’ll hear from anyone else: People change.

So far you’ve generally heard stories about people struggling to be themselves. The changes they make are generally external...to make the world see them as they see themselves. If you hear anything about how people changed it’s about going from unhappy to happy. What I’ve observed from my cat-bird seat is that people change. Perhaps it’s walking a mile in someone else’s high heels. Perhaps it’s just from being accepted by other people in similar circumstances. Perhaps it’s even learning that clothing isn’t the same as gender identity. But people change and learn and grow. It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish that’s important. We should be here for people as they learn and grow. We should change society so that it is more accepting of experimentation and growth in these areas.

Those are the main three things I wanted to get across:

1. Acceptance and support of crossdressers by PFLAG shouldn’t be conditional on sexuality
2. Most crossdressers aren’t transgendered, but PPLAG should be accepting and supportive anyhow.
3. People grow and change. We should help.

I’d like to conclude by talking a little bit about support and my Organization, the Alpha Omega Society.

I’ve brought a hand out that lists resources in the greater Cleveland area for people who are crossdressers, and I have some brochures about my organization, the Alpha Omega Society at the back of the room. At the Alpha Omega Society we have a special emphasis on maintaining marriages. Our Spouses are equal members. . I should make clear that we are not a support organization that deals with issues of greatest interest to transsexuals. Hormones, surgery, and real life tests are outside the scope of our mission, and we encourage people who need support on these issues to seek it via Transfamily, Transpride and a number of specialized counselors, psychiatrists and psychologists in the greater Cleveland area.

Some of the issues we help people with are

Why do I do this?

Why do other people do this?

What does this mean to my life?

What can this lead to?

Can I control things?

How does this affect my marriage?

How does the affect my children?

What are the legal issues associated with this behavior?

How can I have responsible fun with this?

But above all-

How can I make this a constructive and not a destructive part of my life?

We do not require that people be members of our group or any other organization to attend our meetings. We do screen people wishing to attend to ensure that they are of good character: that they will honor our rules about confidentiality, that they will leave their sexuality at the door, that they will dress as either one sex or the other in a dignified manner and that they share our interest in our organizational focus, the support of heterosexual crossdressers their families and friends.

Finally, what can PFLAG do for this group of people? I think the best thing you can offer is the opportunity for people to be themselves. Crossdressers should be invited to and welcomed at PFLAG events in decorous clothing of their choice. For those crossdressers who are transgendered this affords an opportunity to express themselves in a woman’s role in something closer to general society. For those who crossdress for other reasons, it afford an opportunity to grow, to be accepted for oneself outside the narrow venue of support groups, conventions and bars. Other than that, being educated about this part of the transgendered tribes, and sharing that information, counteracting the Jerry Springer’s eye view of things, is important. And your support of legislation that would make it illegal to fire me because I’ve appeared as I have before you today, including those protections not included in the versions of ENDA before the Ohio legislature is appreciated. Since I now have regular employment for the first time in a number of years, this one is of great personal concern to me.

That’s about it. Thanks for your kind attention.

Time at 13:00 minutes....

(which out of 240 minutes doesn’t seem excessive)