COMMUNICATION CHECKLIST

(From the July 2005 Issue of La Femme Silhouette)

Diane Frank helps us think though our first times out of the house.

I’D LIKE to introduce a work in progress. It’s about going out for the first time. This subject came to me when someone posted on a local bbs the notion that someone should come out to a bar, they’d never regret it. I thought and still think it was an outrageously stupid thing to say. This lead to my making comments elsewhere and in response to a few other things starting on a check-list of questions that people should ask before they decide to crossdress anywhere besides the privacy of their home.

There are really two lists, one for crossdressers and one for their S.O.s. The questions encourage people to think beyond the mere fact of wearing a dress outside the house, and think of the longer-term issues. In my view, first time out experiences are fetishized (made more important than what they are) in both fact and fiction. What matters isn’t so much getting out the first time, if indeed that’s something a person should do, but what does getting out the 100th time mean in a person’s life? The first time out is only a step towards the 100th time out. For some people, some couples it’s a good step to make, and for some it’s a step to be avoided. Thinking through these questions will, I hope, help people sort things out for themselves.

FOR THE CROSSDRESSER
Where do you want to go?
 ·    A walk around the block
 ·    A walk around someone else’s block
 ·    A drive in a car
 ·    A shopping trip
 ·    A support group
 ·    To your therapists
 ·    A costume party
 ·    A friendly bar
 ·    A restaurant
 ·    An accepting religious group

Do you have something appropriate to wear for your chosen activity?

If things went well, would you want to go back again?
 ·    Never
 ·    If there was a suitable occasion
 ·    Of course
 ·    I hope to make friends
 ·    Where else would I go?

Do you want to go with your S.O.? Why?
 ·    Never in a million years.
 ·    If there was a suitable occasion
 ·    Of course
 ·    Maybe next time?

Do you want to meet people?
 ·    No one
 ·    Other crossdressers but not spouses around
 ·    Anyone in the GLBT community
 ·    Crossdressers and spouses preferred
 ·    Everyday people

FOR THE SIGNIFICANT OTHER
Do you want to reserve some activities out (like a favorite restaurant, a ski trail, whatever) for his boy side, never have his girl side there?

Do you want to tell him what to wear the first time out, or is it important that he choose himself?

Do you want to go together or let him go alone? Do you feel protective of him, or think he ought to be able to handle himself?

FOR BOTH
If you interact with others, what is your relationship to each other?
 ·    just friends
 ·    girl friends
 ·    lesbian lovers
 ·    "man in a dress" and wife
 ·    other

Are you willing to engage in public displays of affection for each other and to what degree?

If you talk about your relationship, how much are you willing to disclose to other people?
 ·    nothing at all
 ·    children
 ·    pets
 ·    hobbies
 ·    Home address and phone number

Do you want to pass, simply be treated as two women or do you want to be recognized as the accepting spouse of a crossdresser?

If he needs to use a bathroom?
 ·    do you guard the men's room
 ·    Do you accompany him to the ladies room
 ·    tell him to hold it
 ·    let him go alone
 ·    look for a single occupancy/handicapped restroom

Will you address your husband using a woman's or a man's name, and what pronouns will you use?

What about alcohol? It can calm the nerves, but can also loosen inhibitions. Where's your balance?

Do you want to form relationships as a couple where he is crossdressed or just go out and have a good time?