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Q & A from Kristen Ann (CD) Q & A with Cheryl (wife) Q & A with another wife A note from a daughter Olena's story (CD)

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When did you first realize you were a crossdresser?
I knew as a young child that I was different than my sisters. I wanted to play with them, the girl-things, like games, imaginary parties and I realized they were treated differently.

As I got older, I didn't really know what to call myself. Things like transvestism and transsexuality were not as common on the television as today, and comedy in which men played women, i.e. Milton Berle were quickly changed by my parents to a station that had cowboys or other manly-man subjects.

My dad's views on the "artsy" shows was very derogatory. I did get a glimpse of my future, when in the mid fifties I heard about Christine Jorgenson. I felt like this is what I feel like but I couldn't comprehend the enormity of someone making such a decision. This was something that must be a lie, this couldn't possibly be done. A man becoming a woman. All I know is that I prayed to God to intervene on my behalf and make me like her. Of course I kept this secret.

It wasn't until my first psychology course in college that I ever really knew what to call what I did. However, the books I read in the college library depicted me as a pervert and a deviant. I hid further within myself.

How did you handle this realization?
I was terrified. I had no one to talk to. I carried out my fantasies in private. My best friends were girls and I listen to their stories and we talked a lot. I wanted to be them.

At what point did you share this with others?
Prior to marrying for the first time, I brought my fiancée to the college library and had her read some of the excerpts from these psychology books. She read about crossdressing and said in so many words, so what. I didn't think she comprehended the complexity of the situation. We did share a lot of girl things together. But I remained extremely hateful of myself and I did everything I could to rid myself of who I was. But in the end I remained who I was and I did all I could to help Jan to leave me. If I had the knowledge then that I had now, there's a good chance we would still be together. It took a lot of soul searching and forgiving myself for what I did to shove her away. We remained married for 14 years before divorcing. I also told Elaine about me prior to marrying her. Her response was similar to my first spouse.... So what, I love you. I needed her in my life and we got married. Even at that time I really didn't know entirely what I was, so how could I be totally honest with her? It has been a test of the strength of our love and commitment.

What was the most exhilarating moment for you as a crossdresser?
When I finally realized my life was mine and I was responsible for who I was. I had it within me the courage to be myself.

What was the biggest obstacle for you as a crossdresser and how did you overcome it?
The greatest obstacle that I had (and continue working on) is that I am worthy to be loved and that I need to love myself before anyone could really love me.

Dr. Feo has been instrumental in helping me to realize I can love who I am and that there are those who can love me. I haven't overcome this obstacle totally because I have lost friends and relatives because I have taken responsibility for who I am.

How long have you and Elaine been married?
Since July 26, 1986

At what point did Elaine know of your crossdressing?
As I said earlier, I told her prior to proposing to her.

How did the two of you come to the comfortable relationship you experience as a crossdresser and wife?
Comfort is a relative term. I have a lot of pain to base my comfort level on. I cannot speak for Elaine. Hey... how about some of you ask her?

I feel that it the responsibility of each of us to constantly stay vigilant of what we want from each other. If either of us harbors resentment due to our choice to be together, then there is a problem. I feel that there have been, and continue to be times in our relationship when we come to the brink of saying to ourselves, "This is crazy. What am I doing in this relationship?" Since I am writing in response to the questions I will tell you the mechanism that helps me the most. I made a vow before God and Elaine to love, cherish and to forsake all others. I also understand that there is nothing in life that can make us happy if we can't be happy with ourselves and with the ones we love. Is there someone else that could make me happier? With all our faults, I can say emphatically NO!

Do not look outside yourself to find happiness and don't place blame on anyone else for whatever predicament you are in. If there is something truly wrong, i.e. abuse, hate anger... help make the changes to make the situation better, or love the other enough to let them go if that will make them happier.

If you had only one piece of advise to give to other CDs, what would it be?
Be courageous enough to love and accept who you are, otherwise you cannot help make anyone else happy.

(Repeat frequently the prayer of St. Francis.)
"God, grant me the courage to change the things I can and the courage to accept the things I can't and the knowledge to know the difference."

How long have you been a member at AO?
I started February of 1989.

Do you remember your first meeting? Tell us about how you felt and how you feel now.
How can anyone not remember your first meeting? It was like coming home. I was in so much pain for so long, thinking I was the only person crossdressing that I found it easy to accept others wherever they were in their expression. I was more than comfortable.

As for how I feel now... I am transgendered. I live full time as a woman for the last four and a half years. AO does not fully meet my needs since I am facing the day to day living in a society that still does not fully understand why I do what I do.

But, AO helped me, beyond any one's comprehension, to get this far. I can honestly say that I would probably not be alive today had AO not entered my life when it did. Therefore, I believe it is my duty and joy, to be available for any sister who might learn from my experiences. To be given the gift of love for oneself and to just say thanks, good-bye, it was nice knowing you... and then disappear into the woodwork would be very selfish on my part.

What is the single biggest advantage of belonging to AO for you?
AO is a place where you can love others and others can love and accept you unconditionally without being hurt or dehumanized.

thank you for sharing
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When did you first realize you were a crossdresser?
I don’t remember a time when I was not a CD. I really didn’t put a name to it until I started to investigate the gender phenomenon in my early 20s. At that time there was very little literature that was readily available. By posing as a graduate student in psychology I was able to locate what little did exist through the Cuyahoga County Public Library.

How did you handle this realization?
I had very little trouble with it since I don’t remember being any other way. I had a very perceptive Grandmother who made sure that I did not feel that I was strange and who made sure that I was not frustrated in my need to express this side of myself. She never encouraged or discouraged me; she just made sure that I could explore this on my own terms.

I now realize what a fantastic amount of help this has been to me. In discussions with my mother in the last few years we both have come to the conclusion that she knew another CD very well. My biggest problem was trying to be too masculine so that I could hide it from my peers, who I knew would not understand and would ridicule me.

At what point did you share this with others?
My Grandmother and my Great Aunt knew since I was very young. I had a semi-adopted older sister who new from the time I was about 8 or 9 years old. My parents, I found out a few years ago, always knew.

What was the most exhilarating moment for you as a crossdresser?
It is a toss-up between two events. The first one came while I was driving home from Columbus in my freshman year in college. I was listening to the radio and heard an interview with Christine Jorgenson. That made me realize that I was not the only person with a gender difference.

The second was the original Phil Donohue show about Tri-Ess. I was sick that day and was home from work. I decided to watch Phil out of boredom. By the time the show was over, I knew that not only was I not alone but there were others who felt exactly the way that I felt.

What was your biggest obstacle as a crossdresser and how did you overcome it?
Letting my feminine side show when I am not crossdressed. I think the combination of maturity and the example set by other members of AO made me realize that by hiding it I was only hurting myself and the ones I love by trying to hide that side of my personality.

If you had only one piece of advice to give to other CDs, what would that be?
Learn to enjoy this gift; you will be a more complete person when both the masculine and feminine can coexist.

How long have you been a member of Alpha Omega?
About 6 or 7 years.

Do you remember your first meeting? Tell us about how you felt.
I was scared to death walking into the “Manor.” When I got to the changing room the other girls visited with me and made me feel pretty comfortable. I was then petrified when I walked down the stairs to the meeting room. By the end of the meeting I knew that I had found a home and had so much fun that I was the last person to leave.

Now, I look forward to an evening of fun, education, and serious discussion with friends who share many of the same feeling that I have, not to mention the food.

What is the single biggest advantage of belonging to AO for you?
Having a place to meet with friends and share experiences.

How long have you been married?
28 years

At what point did your S.O. know of your crossdressing?
During the first month of our marriage Andrea came home at the wrong time and caught me.

What arrangement has worked for you and your S.O.?
The arrangements have changed over the years. For a long time Andrea did not want any part of it but made sure that I had the time to express myself. Later when she wanted to be involved, I did not know how to let her be involved. In the past year we have both realized that how I am dressed does not change our relationship. That has made it just an ordinary part of our lives.

Are children involved?
My daughter knows but has never seen Diane. My son does not know at the present time. I will probably tell him in the very near future.

thank you for sharing
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Note: Kristen Ann passed away earlier in 2000.

Age:
42

Marital/Children:
Married 18 years/daughter 14, son 16

Occupation:
Drafting Supervisor

Hobbies:
Photography, woodworking, gardening, trap shooting, volunteer police work, firearms, home repairs and traveling as Kristen.

My first experience as a crossdresser was at the age of:
Four or five. Not having any brothers or male cousins near my age, I felt much closer to my girl cousins. I always loved to have them come and stay over because I then had the opportunity to hide one of their dresses in the back of the closet so I would have something to try on after they left. What a way to start a feminine wardrobe!

My goal as a crossdresser is:
To become more attuned with my feminine desires along with developing the confidence and skills needed to externalize my inner feelings.

What I like best about being a crossdresser:
The one question that should be very easy to answer, and yet I am not very sure I have a response. Maybe it's the soft and feminine fashions or the ability to express one's feelings and emotions. Maybe, just maybe, it's that warm inner feeling I have each time I put on a dress, heels, makeup and a wig, look into a mirror and feel complete.

What I like least about being a crossdresser:
The fear of being discovered by my friends, relatives, neighbors but, most of all, by my children.

The one word that describes what crossdressing means to me:
Togetherness. The emotional satisfaction of Kristin and my male-self coming TOGETHER as one while strengthening our lives by bringing my wife and I closer TOGETHER because of the greater understanding and support we share TOGETHER. And, the TOGETHERNESS shared by my sisters in Alpha Omega who have brought us all TOGETHER so we can share our thoughts and desires TOGETHER to put our lives back TOGETHER.

If I could change one thing in the world it would be:
To eliminate prejudice. This irrational intolerance of people who are "different," whether it be by race, creed, color or a host of other preconceived ideals is the cancer that eats away at our society brought on by ignorance. There is no magic cure, just the desire to erode that ignorance through educating ourselves to accept and respect others for who they are and not what they are.

My thoughts on being the person I am:
For years I have struggled with my innermost feelings, trying to come to grips with whom I am and why I have feminine desires. Like many, denial was the "cure" that only increased the stress, anxiety and depression in my life. My suppressed frustrations often manifested themselves towards the ones I loved. Something was missing. For whatever reason, crossdressing was the key that opened a whole new world within me. Having an understanding wife to share one's feelings whit was the catalyst that strengthened our lives and allowed Kristin to become a part of it. I still have mixed feelings about being a crossdresser, as does my wife.

However, having found the comradery, support and understanding of Alpha Omega, I know that my challenge is not the same road as I walked alone before. It took 42 years to come out of the closet. I had to - there was no more room with Kristin's clothes! And life does begin at 40!!

thank you for sharing
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When did you first realize your SO was a crossdresser? How were you told?
I actually knew Lisa long before I knew Matt. In fact, I met Lisa through Alpha Omega. Megan, I caught dressed one day.

How did you handle this realization?
For me, it was no problem. Based on my past history with Megan, I had already come to terms with CD and other transgendered issues. Lisa was a known entity. Megan threw me into an emotional abyss. I never understood that someone could get so low that a bottle of pills seemed the only answer - until then. With a long of therapy and work, I realized that the CDing was the catalyst, not the problem.

Did you share this news with others?
With Megan, I didn't have to......My children had been let in on the secret long before me.

Does your family know of your SO's CDing?
All of my children and their spouses know and are very supportive. Even one of our grandchildren know. Although he is afraid of the wig and Looks at Lisa rather strangely, he is only 1 and hasn't figured out that Lisa And Matt are the same. So I'm sure the voice throws him off.

What was your biggest obstacle as the partner of a CD?
I find that when we are out, I want to protect Lisa. I get fearful that those on the outside will take their bigotry out on her. I had to learn that I can't take on that responsibility. She knows the possibilities and that I'll stand with her but I can't be "macho-wife."

If you had only one sentence of advise to give to other SOs, what would that be?
GO SLOW WITH BABY STEPS and communicate!

How long have you been a member of Alpha Omega?
I guess I'm one of the oldsters......almost 11 years now.

Do you regularly attend AO meetings?
I've missed at most 10 meetings in 10 years so I guess that is fairly regular.

What do you enjoy most about the meetings?
I love talking and meeting with others especially the new people.

What ideas do you have on how the meetings might be improved for SOs?
I think at times we need to have more focus on couple issues and that more interactive activities such as role-playing could be productive. Also SO's need to be actively encouraged to participate in the mechanics of the group such as heading committees. Active participation means growth and that is what AO is all about.

How long have you been with your CD?
Lisa and I "dated" for almost 2 years before we got married this summer. Megan and I were married 15 years.

What arrangement has worked best for you in regards to CDing?
Lisa and I are fairly open about it. She usually dresses when she feels like it. If it is a nondress day for me, I let her know and she usually goes with my feelings. We are very open about our needs and it has worked so far.

Are children involved? What are your feelings about their involvement?
My children all know. I wish that their introduction to CDing had been less traumatic (Megan) but I am certainly glad to know that they have the chance to know others who are more representative of the "normal" transgendered community.

If there are children, what are their ages?
30, 29, 24, 20, 12

Are you involved in any other activities outside Alpha Omega as a CD and SO? (i.e., dining, shopping, etc. while your SO is "dressed"?)
Lisa and I have gone shopping. We've attended Holiday en Femme, Riverside. With our schedules, we do not have as many opportunities as we would like. There are only 24 hours in a day.

What portion of your life together is committed to CDing?
With all the responsibilities we have, we spend a lot of time on CD issues......Maybe as much as 30-40%....Although I think that could be a low estimate.

What other hobbies and interests do you share as a couple?
We both love computers, read a lot, and plan on traveling anywhere and everywhere. We're still developing our togetherness.

How has your attitude changed from the first time you knew about his CDing and now?
I don't think it has changed. You would have to ask Lisa about it. I think changes in a person are more noticed by those around him. So Lisa would know if my attitude has changed any. I can say that it has changed drastically through the years. I know that I am by far more accepting now than I was when married to Megan. But I feel that I had stabilized by the time Lisa and I met.
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When did you first realize your SO was a crossdresser? How were you told?
On our third date I discovered it quite by accident. He never did come out and say the words cross dresser to me and I hadn't ever heard of such a thing.

How did you handle this realization?
I went into denial and thought I could change all the things that I didn’t like about him. (Hey, I was young.)

Did you share this news with others?
No, but I wish I could have, it may have been easier to handle.

Does your family know of your SO's CDing?
NO! And they never will if we have anything to say about it. They are set in their ways and couldn’t handle such a big change.

What was your biggest obstacle as the partner of a CD?
Realizing that it is still the man I married under all the other stuff.

If you had only one sentence of advise to give to other SOs, what would that be?
Be patient.

How long have you been a member of Alpha Omega?
Since June of 2000.

Do you regularly attend AO meetings?
Yes, haven’t missed one yet but I know in the future we may not be able to make them all.

What do you enjoy most about the meetings?
Once I get relaxed, I just have fun. I like seeing everyone.

What ideas do you have on how the meetings might be improved for SOs?
I'd say to get more of the SOs to attend but not everyone can accept it and we can’t really force it on anyone.

How long have you been with your CD?
We've been together 18 years, and married for 16 of those.

What arrangement has worked best for you in regards to Cding?
We are still getting there but open communication helps a great deal.

What is the biggest obstacle you have overcome as a SO of a CD?
Just coming to terms that it wasn’t going away and letting it come out. And then seeing through the stuff to realize that it’s the same person.

Are you involved in any other activities outside Alpha Omega as a CD and SO?
Not as yet but I know its right around the corner. I’m already nervous about it because of some of the other stories I’ve heard.

What portion of your life together is committed to CDing?
I’d say about 10% right now, although Michelle would like it to be more. If family didn’t live so close it probably WOULD be more.

What other hobbies and interests do you share as a couple?
Camping and gardening are the major things.

Has your attitude changed from the first time you knew about his CDing?
Well, major change considering I’m no longer trying to deny that this is a part of the man I love. I think it has also brought me out of my shell. I don’t know if its just age or what but I don’t hold back now with telling people how I feel about things.
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I was asked by my Mom to write a little something about my first meeting. Let me just say, for being my first time, it was ummm... a very "interesting" experience.

I've seen a lot in my 18 years. When I first learned about crossdressing, I didn't really understand it. Then I met Marty and Kathy. They are two very wonderful people, and a very important part of my life. A special thanks to both of them for everything they've done for me.

My first AO meeting was great. I met a lot of nice people and had a blast. I came home with a beautiful outfit (thanks, Marla!) and a pair of earrings.

I wasn't sure what to expect from the meeting. I wasn't sure if I would have any fun, but I did.

Before I close I would like to thank everyone for making my first meeting a wonderful experience.

Peace and Love,

Ari J

One more thing, Marla, you make a great Vanna!
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My mother never told me about this! A few thoughts from a feminine challenged person.

Femininity
Based on the last several Alpha Omega meetings I came to one earth-shattering conclusion. Femininity is a very complicated, difficult, unnatural, frustrating and complex state to master, especially for a feminine challenged crossdresser.

How difficult could this be? My original plan, as I started to dissect and analyze my method to adequately transform this male physical structure into what I fantasized as the final product, a vision of a gorgeous femininity, would be to apply the same principals I applied to all my projects at home as well as at work. After all didn't I restore those old kitchen cabinets? Was I not successful in remodeling my office? Well, I thought, for a guy who is fairly intelligent and successful at my profession and fairly skilled in the arts of carpentry, electrical and plumbing, this should be a piece of cake. Careful analysis and planning, I thought, would highly reward me with a final product that was visually appealing and not to mention sensuous. I was never so wrong in my life. The complexity of the feminine state not only overwhelmed me but reduced me to a broken mass of a crumpled heap in a cloud of make up dust.

Makeup
My first attempt at makeup was to say the least disastrous. Envisioning my final product as an Ann Margaret, Sophia Loren, or even Katherine Denieuve, I anxiously stationed myself in front of my motel mirror, sighed a deep sigh and looked down at the row after row of makeup paraphernalia stretched out in neat rows in front of me which I had recently purchased. Taped on the mirror was my worksheet list which Roz, my first makeup consultant wrote down for me meticulously in the order that would practically guarantee that I would not screw up the makeup application. It was practically idiot proof plan. Practically. Step one, as I carefully read from my list: apply this then that etc… finally when I got to the end including eye makeup and lipstick I realized I had one compact case left which I had not used. To my utter dismay, it turned out to be the foundation. I had skipped step three and applied the powder and forgot the foundation! Skip turn and return to start… My second try was much more successful but I only managed to turn out looking like Bette Davis in her role in "hush hush little Charlotte". I had Bette Davis eyes, but unfortunately when Bette was around 70 years old!!!. . .Skip turn and return to start. . . My third attempt, well, to be kind, lets just call her a fat plump woman of the streets. . . my fourth and final attempt, and believe my I only stopped because I had no more time left, was a complete duplication of my sister, who I hate by the way.

Clothes
Is there some magic gene that women are born with that allows them to naturally know the right type of outfits and colors to choose? If there is, where can I get me some? Being feminine challenged, I envy the women that can fathom all the idiosyncrasies that go along with acquiring and maintaining the proper wardrobe that accentuates and compliments the body. Recently, I read an article by Tanya regarding the choice of wardrobe, the effects of cut, fabric and lines that improve the overall look and accent the positive elements of ones natural build while de-emphasizing the negative elements. Upon first glance this sounds simple enough, but by the time I got around to the middle of the article I was left reeling from ignorance (and I passed engineering physics with flying colors). And speaking of colors, warm versus cold, summer vs. winter. "Is there no end to this?" I cried helplessly. "I just don't get it!" (sound of head bobbing from should to shoulder)

My first attempt at buying women's clothes was hopeless. Still fearing discovery, I set out to purchase ladies undergarments for the first time. What better place to buy them than "Ambiance," the store for lovers. Many men shop at these stores, I thought to myself. There would surely be no suspicion regarding my real intentions. So I devised a clever scheme. I quickly searched through all my picture albums, looking for a woman that would somewhat match my size. I found a picture of myself dancing with a friend who seemed adequate. I took this picture with me to the store and produced this to the sales-lady mentioning that I wanted to buy this for my wife and I was not sure of her size but could she estimate what I needed based on the picture. "I do believe she is about a size 10" she said, and I nodded in approval. What did I know? Then she produced a teddy, garter belt, matching stockings, push-up bra and a lacey camisole. "Uh, ok, I guess so." I said "Wrap it up." Arriving home, I quickly tried on the new garments, and of course, you guessed it… I could only pull up most of the outfit to my bellybutton and the stockings to my kneecap. Looking into the mirror, I got the ultimate 100-dollar laugh.

Conclusion
I am soon approaching my second year of Alpha Omega. As you well know, since you see me at least once a month, I am still confused and challenged by the feminine experience. But with the help of my friends at Alpha Omega, I am slowly, and I emphasize slowly, learning better techniques in wardrobe, makeup and all the other complicated matters of femininity. And that, I believe, is the key to how this process works for women as well as us feminine challenged crossdressers. Mother may have never told me how to go about it, and of course, never my genetic sisters. But, having Alpha Omega "sisters" is the key. Every time I come to a meeting, I learn something new and useful. My sisters guide me when I am lost, steer me when I take the wrong turns, and they do it in a gentle positive way. And although I am feminine challenged, I feel eternally grateful for my new friends and sisters.
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