STONE SOUP

by Diane FRANK

THROW enough ingredients into the kettle of my mind and interesting stews can arise. Our friend Susan (from the fashion show a couple of years ago) taught a class recently on comportment for a Trans-family gathering a few Saturdays ago. I had an interesting "discussion" elsewhere about the term "gender gifted" and that moved me on the idea of "female brains". These things matter most to people who aren’t totally in the closet, who have public lives of some sort. But that is where I live, so that is what I write about.

I’ve always been bothered by the term gender-gifted and it turns out that Helen Boyd who wrote "My Husband Betty" is bothered by it too. Helen focuses on the problems associated with the varieties of transness. I’m bothered by it because it’s another example of sailing under false colors, as if our own weren’t good enough. There is a common cultural context for the notion of gifted: it means to have significantly above average talent or ability. The intent of the term "gender gifted" is to create a positive interpretation about people whose behavior or identity crosses conventional gender boundaries. It combines the notion that it’s not our fault as it’s the hand that we were dealt and the idea that it really means we have a few aces up our chiffon sleeves.

But where in this is there talent or ability? Or are we confusing talent and ability with desire? I deeply desire to dance. I don’t have the talent or ability to do so professionally, never mind reach the category of performance that would make someone call me a "gifted" dancer. Desire causes me to extend myself for the pleasures it brings to my aging body. How does one demonstrate a gift or talent for living outside of conventional gender assignments? How do we distinguish the desire to live outside those boundaries, (which I confess I have and do) with the talent and ability to do so, and beyond that extraordinary talent or ability to do so?

Which gets me back to our friend Susan, who gave a talk on comportment. Comportment, how you look at something stuck on the bottom of your shoe, inspect your nails and so forth. Girls and boys do these things differently. I suspect that "gender gifted" people, if they exist don’t need such coaching. They absorb their gender differences directly from the world around them, no coaching needed. I don’t mean that gender isn’t taught and coached for most assuredly it is. I mean that just as Yentl contrived to hear lessons on Torah, such a person would hear and absorb lessons not directed at him or her. Our society abounds with those lessons. I don’t mean trivial things like makeup, hair styling and wearing a bra. I don’t mean how to walk down a catwalk or give air-kisses. I mean how you are supposed to look at the world, who you turn to for friendship, how you treat friends (and rivals), what you want out of life.

I suppose we could argue that the desire to cross gender boundaries, to not conform to them is in itself a gift. I can say without qualm that, no I wouldn’t take a little pill to change things, and as I’ve written over and over again about my life, I’ve found good things that I wouldn’t have found otherwise. I’m fortunate that I saw no choice but to inform my partner of 29 years when our dating became serious a few days after our first date. (I’d call it displaying wisdom and courage if I were talking about someone else...but modesty forbids me here.) I’m fortunate that we’ve a dynamic that works for us, a closet door that’s fairly open and so on. I’m glad I have friendships where people knowingly accept me as something approximating a woman and move on from there. I’m lucky to have this newsletter and website as a place where I can publicly express my thinking on this in the hopes that it will help other people dealing with similar issues. But calling my desire and its fruits a gift? I don’t think so. It’s true that I have some closet issues about dancing, but those are more me than anything else. I don’t have to think twice playing keyboards. I do have to think twice about this.

And as long as I’m talking about thinking, how about this ‘female brain’ business? There was a study of cadaver brains a while back in Holland where they found that a little teeny, tiny group of cells in the brains of transsexuals was small like the same nucleus in women’s brains. People have leaped at this to say, "I must have a female brain". What people fail to mention or note is that there are lots of sex linked brain structures, LARGE sex-linked brain structures. You don’t need to hunt for a tiny cluster of cells buried deep in the brain to distinguish male and female brains. A neurologist can tell male and female brains apart by inspection. The significance of the nucleus is that it’s in a part of the brain related to sexual behavior in animals, and therefore presumably humans. Supposing that it’s true, that this little nucleus is responsible for our sense of gender identity (if we even think about it at all?). Skeptics are going to argue that the whole rest of the brain is still male. All the big stuff, along with the rest of the body. They’re going to argue that we should focus on dealing with this little out of order group of cells because even after all the hormones and surgery, the rest of the brain is still structured male. Which gets me back to the top of this article.

When we talk about "giftedness” or "female brains”, we’re trying to buy acceptance from people in spite of their reactions to us. I think those are weak, and as I’ve illustrated above futile arguments. The best argument is performance; it’s who you are and how you relate to other people. Which curiously enough was Susan’s main point in her talk about comportment. Being real with people. It doesn’t matter so much how you inspect your nails or look at something stuck to the bottom of your shoe...even if those things are fun to know and play with...it’s simply coming across as yourself. It means being yourself and not looking for labels to tell you what you should be or do. Above all, it means being a good person. So be good. And don’t worry about gifts or brains.