WILL YOU WALK INTO MY PARLOUR?

Diane S. Frank shares her thoughts on the yin and yang of passing in the midst of friends.

The idea of stepping out the door is for us like the light of a flame to a moth. For those who don’t or haven’t the idea holds great fascination. For those of us who do, the problem is being singed or burned. Perhaps the most common dread is being recognized by people we already know. But little is said about the opposite problem, interacting with people we already know and not being recognized. And there is the contrary problem as well - of seeing people who know me as Diane in an unfamiliar form. In either case, I do miss the freedom of being able to say "Hi", and catch up on doings and events in people’s lives. At the same time, I fear that if I could, it would subvert my image in people’s minds. Some people have difficulty with duality. So is what I’m doing dishonest? Perhaps.

I go back to a story and my answer to it.

Kym recalls when a twenty-something gent with a set of Lexus keys who was ahead of her in line at the Thrifty Drug turned and said "You're not fooling anyone, you know." Kym replied, "Good. That wasn't the point."

My reply is that I’d tend to say "But the sad thing is that when I’m dressed like you, I do fool people". So it doesn’t really matter which side of my dual nature I present…people aren’t seeing the whole picture either way. So passing unrecognized is no greater deception one way than the other. I pass unrecognized all the time.

There is a selfish part as well, as the tenor of relationships with people who do know me both ways. I think there’s a tendency to want to reduce things and make them simple. To figure me out. I was talking to a friend at a dance concert this weekend, and made my remark about not being too sad about our awful weather because it gave me another chance to wear my full length fur coat this season. The conversation ran on about how I bought it as a reward for getting paid for some consulting work and she asked me if it was real fur. I said no, that I didn’t think I’d buy real fur even if I could afford it. Did she think I'd buy real fur? She remarked that she simply didn’t know what to expect of me anymore. I don’t have this problem of being unpredictable to people who know only one facet. I guess in some cases it can make you more interesting to people. But in other cases it can be disturbing.

A case in point happened last month. I attended a meeting where there were a number of women I knew, one of whom I would pass unseen with unless I approached her. This woman is someone I know and like from a variety of arts venues. We've had long discussions after some, when I'd walk her to her car. For most people I see when I'm out, passing unseen is simply part of life... but with some people it hurts not to say hello, not to catch up. So when things settled down and I had a chance I walked up to L and said hi. I have to say, I'm sure I did this all wrong, but that I don't know how to do it right either. L was upset, and her first questions were about how Z was. While I reassured her that things were fine, and also had to explain that no, I didn't have SRS or hormones, wasn't planning on it and yes it was damn unusual for someone not on that track to do what I do, her concerns really were for my partner. I had to say, well really you have to talk to her. I can't put words in her mouth. We finally got off the topic of "me" and just caught up on other stuff, but I have this intuition that I should really put her in touch with my beloved spouse. I don't see long term harm here...but I'm upset that I apparently upset L. Z did call and leave a message...but the rest of the story remains to be written.

This whole business carries us to the notion of what a person is, what a personality is and what being authentic is. At this point in my life I’ve become about equally self conscious either way. In my daily mode I have more understanding and assurance in my presentation than I ever have in my life, because I have a clearer idea of what the meets and bounds are. But being self-conscious and being "stagy" are two different things. And since the greatest value to me is to get at those things outside the meets and bounds of my regular life I don’t announce every change or event in my life to every person I know. So at the end, while I don’t like passing friends unseen, it seems no worse an offense than the other parts of my life that are unknown to them.