WHAT'S NEXT?

By Diane FRANK

One of the persistent themes in my writing is what comes next? After your first AO meeting, after your first anything, how do you fit whatever sort of crossdressing or TG-expression that is yours into your life?

So for a while I’ve been writing about my own experiences and experiments, publishing them here, organizing access to them on our website, and hoping that they’re useful to other people. I learned that two senior members of Transpitt were going to speak about their points of view on this subject at the Steel City Gender Conference in November of 2005. The talk was titled, "Crossdressing, Balancing the need to get out with safety, security, and family issues." I thought that having points of view other than mine about this business of what comes next would be worthwhile, so I made it a priority to attend.

I managed to drive down to Pittsburgh, get lost and arrive ½ hour late. Willa Koenig and Nikki Noble graciously gave me a copy of their well-organized speaker notes to supplement my getting there late. What follows is then a pastiche of my notes and impressions, their speaker notes and their gracious revisions to this article.

Clearly Willa and Nicki are old hands at this and their presentation in all pertinent senses of the word was polished and professional. They’ve been at this a while, and have accumulated life experience and observations that inform their positions. Since I got there late let’s start with their synopsis:

The first 10 minutes were devoted to Nikki’s introduction and her view on the normal progression of crossdressing. I’m going to reproduce her notes exactly here because I think they are so dead on and a bit funny:

Next, Willa covered what to do and what not to do in Pittsburgh. Of course, she advises to dress appropriately for the event. With regard to shopping and vendor relationship she advised cultivating relationships, knowing that sales people often get commissions and value repeat customers. Token recognition at holidays helps as well. For restaurants, high end is better and "family" restaurants should be strictly avoided. Willa particularly enjoys being visible at GLBT community events, the symphony and plays, and participates in fundraising activities and volunteers to support community programs. For people who are interested in exploring similar things in Cleveland, a review of our website will find safe arts venues mentioned. The GLBT center, newly renamed as noted in a previous newsletter article has numerous events and happenings that we can freely partake in, including the benefits and fundraising events Willa mentions. Samples of these are noted in our website and my various articles.

Nikki spent some time talking about her travels and the issues it has raised for her. Nikki feels more comfortable traveling because she understands that being read is not the same as being recognized. If you check ahead of time there are local groups you can visit. Many, like AO offer reciprocal meeting attendance, where a group officer’s recommendation can clear the path of time consuming screening interviews. Nikki also had advice about crossing borders, airports and of all things her experience in the Grand Canyon.

I arrived in the middle of Willa’s presentation on privacy and legal issues. Because the conference was heavily weighted towards TS concerns and some fraction of the audience were TS oriented people curious about the CD side of things, Willa noted that the stigma associated with crossdressing was different from that associated with transsexuality. Thus many CDs are in the closet. If I understood correctly, neither Willa nor Nikki are out at their own jobs, but Willa has done outreach presentations at other firms. Willa pointed out that the existence and involvement in local groups can lend legitimacy to individuals in the eyes of society and employers. Willa expressed the idea that being comfortable with oneself as a crossdresser is a huge asset.

Willa and Nikki both took turns dealing with family concerns. I was pleased to hear Willa’s candor, describing her own crossdressing as a "narcissistic pastime" that does take time away from family. So for the person who is working on having a life after the first time out the biggest challenge becomes having enough time for everything. Because going out in public is not with its attendant risks, taking steps to assure your spouse about your safety is important. You may need to compromise to work out a family situation.

Nikki continued on this theme talking about a scale of spouse acceptance. This was not the hoary old, sexist admonitory grading scale of Virginia Prince, but rather means of getting the CD to think about what they could expect at given levels of spousal acceptance. Nikki’s scale reads:

Nikki raised the interesting idea of most cases tending towards 2. grudging acceptance. From her viewpoint even spouses who starts out being supportive or enthusiastic can find their support lessening as time goes by. I think there is a sense here that early support can be framed in terms of a passing fad, like any new hobby....and when it doesn’t stop or go away, there is disappointment and support can fade. So again a compromise position needs to be found.

During the Q&A, some of the comments Willa and Nikki made may resonate with AO readers. While neither Willa nor Nikki want to transition, Willa finds it hard sometimes to go back to being a guy. On the other hand, Nikki found that after a period as Nikki she couldn’t wait to get back to being a guy.