LEMONADE

By Diane FRANK

A while back, I wrote a column in which I expressed my exasperation at the notion of “gender-giftedness.” Along with gender-giftedness there is a set of pollyannaish bromides about the advantages of having a trans-whatever husband. I have remarked in an on-line conversation recently that there aren’t any automatic advantages that come with putting on the clothes of the opposite sex. The desire to wear a dress doesn’t make a man automatically more sensitive, understanding and willing to do his share of the housework. It doesn’t make him less selfish, put him more in touch with his emotions or better able to express them. It doesn’t make him better able to balance priorities between job and family, more successful at his career, a better husband or father. If there are advantages they are things discovered and negotiated along each individual’s way.

That said, I prompted a burst of pessimism from people about how awful things must be and how little hope there is once the curse is known in a relationship. Ever the contrarian, I must insist that some of us do live long and prosper. So I’d like to count my (our) blessings with the idea that maybe you will find you have or can go after those same blessings yourself.

Relationships
We have met people we would never have met otherwise. I don’t mean just people in the queer communities, although there is a lot be said for that. We count among our friends gay and lesbian couples and individuals who we feel honor us by considering us friends. These are bright, humane, intelligent people who make this world a better place. Of course there are trans-sorts of people in the mix too, who grace us with their friendship. I should emphasize we’re not friends because they are GLBT, it’s just that we would have been unlikely to meet them otherwise. Surprisingly, we’ve found places in the general community we wouldn’t have accessed without my whatever it is as well. There’s temple, which is no longer just GLBT and there is my book circle. Both grow organically and lead to new friends. And within the family, there’s our younger son. Being rebellious and experimental he could easily have drifted away into sullen secrecy. But knowing that I’m not plain vanilla, that things somehow work, that his parents are still madly in love 30 years later he knows and has demonstrated that he can be open with us, share his life, including his mistakes and fears and not risk rejection. And for us, and probably uniquely us, there’s a balance in our relationship, a balance of weirdness that wasn’t there before.

Experiences
Again, there all kinds of things we’ve experienced that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. And no, I’m not talking about the bedroom at all. I’m talking about being hit on by a guy, the undesired attention and the obnoxious single-mindedness of it. I’m talking about being harassed on the street by men, and threatened with damnation by the terrorist advocates of a terrorist God. I’m talking about a funeral for a trans-man friend who died suddenly and mysteriously, and learning the details of his tragic life. And the wake for a famous local drag queen. I’m talking weddings and bar mitzvahs. I’m talking about fear, and the vulnerability of being seen as queer, or female or not male, being seen as other. I’m talking about taking female roles in community theatre. I’m talking about finding things inside myself I didn’t know were there, patience when needed, and the ability not to insist. And yes, I’m talking about partaking of queer culture, PRIDE festivals, community organization meetings, political events. I’m talking about books I’ve read that I wouldn’t have read otherwise. Even food I’ve eaten. And while I’m sure that if all this were taken away the vacuum would be filled by other things I’d cherish as much…all this is and continues to be worth cherishing.

Self-Realization
This is probably the area least likely to make sense or be useful to anyone else but…before I developed a second life as something approximating a woman, I leaked. I leaked bits of behavior and expression that are more stereotypically femme than not, and it put people off a bit. Perhaps it affected my work relationships. And not having any real outlet for that, the work environment depressed me. A round of chest-beating male dominance displays could sour me for long time. “Is that all there is? Am I stuck with this as my only mode of existence?” Knowing now that this isn’t all there is to life, to my life, to me has made a difference. I’ve got a space where I can step outside of all that; I’ve learned to look at it from the outside. Seeing the boys behave like boys doesn’t bother me the way it used to because I’m not stuck in it. Seeing it from the outside lets me negotiate my way through things better. And I don’t leak, because in part I’ve got appropriate places for those modes of expression, and in part because by separating them out and understanding them I have better control of my own expression and behavior. And I suspect that when my partner talks about the advantages she experiences, this is probably what she has most in mind, that the self-realization I’ve experienced benefits her.