DEAR SLEEPLESS

Diane Frank: We've had a flurry of requests for support coming in from women all over the country. I have no idea why now or why us, but it's happening. Primarily Sherry handles these, but every so often I get involved too. Sherry liked this particular response, and so I thought I'd modify it a little for general consumption and share it. The spouse we're writing to, like many, is having a hard time. We don't try to tell people what to think, but we do try to offer ideas for them to consider.

Dear Sleepless,

For a while, I've considered CDing generally to be a sexual thing, or at least to start there. But I think, when we're talking about middle-aged men, we may need to factor in something else - midlife crisis. Given your husband's patterns, as I understand your description, his persona as a women is a reconstruction of his life. You say he's had problems recently. In the past, people in such circumstances might just head out west and start a new life. That theme of starting a new life, new opportunities and leaving the past behind is a theme in American Literature and I think it's pervaded our culture. But there is no "west" anymore. It's a lot harder to pick up your feet and get a fresh start any place.

We both know that simply buckling down to business, dealing with the problems is what an adult needs to do and does when he/she is in your husband's situation. But that's not all we're made of. Even though he knows what he has to do, the feeling of being trapped by it can be pretty awful. For whatever reason, he discovers life as a crossdresser and he no longer feels trapped. That's why the quote from "My Husband Betty" is so important:

"When my spouse and I were having problems I coined a new "mantra" for myself and for conversations with my spouse: The crossdressing is functional, the manner in which it is handled can be dysfunctional"

There is I think a difference between an outlet and avoidance. If your husband's time in skirts gives him a vacation from his frustration with his life, as you describe it, and he returns to with renewed energy and calm, then his crossdressing may be very functional for him. While it clearly isn't the mode you'd like, it serves a purpose you would endorse, yes? If, on the other hand, it is merely avoidance and he neglects his obligations to work and family, then he's not handling things in a functional manner. I think I'd be careful to distinguish the two situations: recreation - that is healthful re-creation of himself - versus avoidance - disappearing from reality. Play time, recreation, vacations seem to be a requirement of modern life.

So I ask you to consider this, and I know it's a stretch - think about how his crossdressing helps him cope with the frustrations of his life - and then ask how you can help make it work even better for him. After all, which is more important, that he solve his problems or exactly how he does it? And if on the other hand, it's avoidance then how can you get him to make it constructive? Here are some things that might be useful to consider - I don't know what he calls himself but let's say it's "Mary". If you see him getting frustrated and trapped and avoiding issues by crossdressing, you might ask him how "Mary" would approach things differently. "What would Mary do?" "How would Mary feel about this?" This turns avoidance into engagement.

I don't know if you ever saw Tootsie or remember it if you did. It's the Dustin Hoffman movie about an actor who fails as a guy, but succeeds wildly impersonating a woman actress (Dorothy). Leaving aside the sexist notion that a man can so easily put on a dress and compete with women, there's a line there, where Hoffman is reflecting on his experience to his roomate, played by Bill Murray. He says, "I think Dorothy's smarter than me", and goes on to say why.

Mary may be "smarter" than Maury. Not because Mary really is smarter than Maury, but because Mary is a condition of being that permits Maury to try things, approaches that are off-limits to Maury. You know the popular "motivation" question that's been in vogue lately? "What would you try if you knew you couldn't fail?". Mary is a place where Maury can try things without fear of some kinds of failure.

So in summary, my message is if you can't make it go away, how can you make sure it's constructive and useful (at least to him). How can you make lemonade out of a lemon? And while you may dislike and disapprove of the activity, while it may never be acceptable or commendable to you, you can at least take some pride in your work in making sure it's a constructive force in his life and thus in your marriage. It's not a responsibility you have to accept, but it's there if you want it.

Diane